Vonfuse(d) Me

Anger
My evenings seem to get increasingly tense. Unless I have a happy experience in the evenings, I get more and more desperate about things. Two nights ago I walked with friends to a place, and when we walked back, I excused myself saying I had to go for my night walk (which I have started doing regularly, the walk at night), and ran off. I don't know what they thought as I just put on my headphones from one minute to the other and sprinted off, throwing my arms around the air to the tunes of Another Radio Song by Okkervil River.

I have no reason to be angry. If at all, I have reason to be a little despondent. Maybe a little unhappy, or at least unsatisfied with the way things are going. But there is certainly nothing here that justifies me having so much anger inside of me. When I walked to ethics on Saturday a friend had to calm me down on the way. She managed, fortunately. It continued all day, and came out in the evening again.

When it comes out, I give short answers to people. I get bored of their conversations, and leave the room if I don't find a way to join in. I listen to my music more than usual, sometimes even when walking with people. I move a lot, jump a lot, run, seem to have a lot of energy. I can become very cynical. I try not to let it show too much - yet that is excactly what I am after by behaving this way. If I was genuinely angry I would react in a way that would show I am angry - and not in a way that makes me seem strange or weird. What I really want is for someone to come up to me and ask me what is wrong. Then to not accept my usual "Nono, everything is fine. Today's just not my day" and to step a little out of their way for me, as I would say I've done many times for them. Then for me to be able to break down on them, tell them everything, to feel as if they care, too. There are very few people here whom I would trust like that in the first place, and then they would usually stop at stage two, or I would not keep to my part. Yet I am so contradicting. It is exactly towards these people that I show this weird attitude - of course they'd be a little freaked out and would be rather hesitant.

My anger must come from somewhere inside me, and be directed at something inside me. Which is a little frustrating, because it seems so hard to do anything about it. The first step is to think differently, judge situations differently. But it is just that which I am not sure of how to do right now. Being away will help.

Flekkeland
There is not that much that I can say about it, and not so much I want to say about it, either. Being back was nice, but strange. I never truly arrived, just as I had never truly left. I recognised so many things as if I was still there, yet I never truly felt present in Flekke. My first gaze when going into Kantina would still always be on my mailbox. Sweden House smelled just the way it always has. The small hill up to the library felt as it always has. Yet I was always dependent on other people. I was not legitimately there, I was a visitor. Which is fair enough, but it feels weird visiting a place that you called home for two years. While I could always visit, I could never invite.

I did what I had wanted to do. Managed to see that College Video seems beyond hope. [rant] I don't know what will still happen, I am deeply disappointed at what has been happening so far. Pirate copies will have to be the norm, I don't know if the college will ever manage to simply copy the master copies that are there. Apparently they had been lost, apparently the copying machine works. The miscommunication is appaling. I found several master copies there, and that the machine did not work at least with everything I tried. It sounds a little helpless, but yes, we will have to wait and see whether they will get everything back on track. [/rant] Jumped into the fjord. Went kayaking. Had cheese with jam. There was never enough time.

When I left, it felt very strange again. I am glad I went back. I did not think leaving Flekke again would have such an impact on me. It was short-lived. I travelled back to St Andys for the next 42.5 hours, including a night in Bergen and a night on a bus.

By the time I was in Rysjedalsvika my worries of coming back were enough to overshadow any worry I may have had about leaving Flekke. Fortunately the gratefulness of having been back was also enough to overshadow those worries - at least until Haugesund Airport the next morning.



Leaving Everything I Have Here Behind Me
Literally and physically, in less than a week. I don't feel ready yet. The thought of it gives me that stomach ache again. I know I have to go away - in fact, that reminds me of the last lines of Cat Stevens' "Father and Son", which I sang along to nearly every morning when I last very much wanted to leave a place - that was Hannover a few months before I was due off to Norway.

Now I want to leave here so that it gives me time to think about people, and maybe some people time to think about me. Think about what this one year has brought. I cannot say that it has been a very good year. Maybe I'll say that when I am back in Hannover and have thought about this year more. The good moments seem overshadowes by the not so good ones, and apart from those few special moments I have been the happiest when I was away for a bit.

I do not want to leave just yet, if it wasn't for this one thing. There are more things to do here. Realising that some of these people I will not see in four months is quite intense and does make me a little sad - or desperate in some cases. If I manage to sort everything out, my last few days might be beautiful. I dreamt about it last night, how it would be if it didn't go beautiful. I still have the stomach ache. I am weak at the moment, and I do not like being weak.

For 1 1/2 semesters I have managed to build up a few things. Now they all seem to fall apart, I doubt that I have done anything productive in the last two months. I lack the energy to keep up what I was so active in. Negative feedback. Ah, I remember my Biology teacher back in Flekke first year, explaining Negative Feedback by asking for what it was and hammering the first person to answer into the ground :) .

In fact, I am scared of leaving. Scared of running out of time. What I have to do I could do now. But it is morning, and I have an exam in 4 hours. I could do it this evening. If that fails, I have only one other evening left. I must not allow myself to fail. Make it my last challenge for this place. Make it my last goal. Waste myself on this last task, if it means not wasting myself on hours of regret over the summer.

Otherwise, my job here is done. There are very few things that would pull me back. The hope for a good year next year is one, and that somebody I know might come up. And that some people here I would never be able to forget, no matter what the story is.



Current Music: Guns 'N' Roses - Knockin' On Heaven's Door (live)