Mittwoch, September 13, 2006
But I Am No Horsemen!
36 Hours, less even, until I'll be on my way back to that loved/hated place up in Scotland. I don't know how many times over the past few days I have read the same cheerful "So much looking forward to going back" on messageboards and elsewhere, and every time there is a negative reply, the response is - "well, you made your choice on UCAS, did you not?".
Maybe just that is my problem. It isn't the university, but the people who don't see my problem. Because their ignorance is the problem, not their ignorance of my problem, but their ignorance of any problem, their absence of concern for anything but themselves. My inability to deal with it is my problem. "I'm no horsemen! And you are no angel..."
I'm leaving a job done badly. My summer holiday was good. Some parts were outstanding. Yet I've failed to leave my break with the happy and warm feeling of going back and being ready for St Andrews again, as everybody else seems to have. If things momentarily seem to be falling apart at home, who'd like to go back to where some things are destined to fail. I could take it as a challenge, and I should. But that requires for the situation to challenge me.
The only reason I make a problem out of it right now is my own inability to kick myself off the ground and get things ready. I waste my days complaining about myself. The minutes I spend writing this post I could have done so many more useful things. The situation I am in doesn't challenge me - because it isn't a situation. Getting out of it all would take nothing but a few concentrated hours. Which I ridiculously cannot force myself to spare at the moment.
I have so many hopes for going back, some of which seem to be the only reasons I am not completely despondent about having to go there again. It is my own fear of not being able to deal with the disappointment some of those hopes are bound to bring along that makes me want to stay. Gives me new hope I'll manage to finish things off here.
That way, I'll never move one step ahead. How fortunate for me that time doesn't wait for me, forces me to face each new sitation. I think otherwise I'd dig myself a little well, sit in it, and talk to the walls, hoping someone would steal the little ladder so I wouldn't have to climb back out just then. I tend to console myself about anything uncomfortable by telling myself that at least it will be over at some point - maybe if I think about the happy things the same way, I'll understand why I'm so terribly glad I'm going back to where I don't want to be in less than 36 hours.
Current Music: Sunset Rubdown - The Men Are Called Horsemen There
Maybe just that is my problem. It isn't the university, but the people who don't see my problem. Because their ignorance is the problem, not their ignorance of my problem, but their ignorance of any problem, their absence of concern for anything but themselves. My inability to deal with it is my problem. "I'm no horsemen! And you are no angel..."
I'm leaving a job done badly. My summer holiday was good. Some parts were outstanding. Yet I've failed to leave my break with the happy and warm feeling of going back and being ready for St Andrews again, as everybody else seems to have. If things momentarily seem to be falling apart at home, who'd like to go back to where some things are destined to fail. I could take it as a challenge, and I should. But that requires for the situation to challenge me.
The only reason I make a problem out of it right now is my own inability to kick myself off the ground and get things ready. I waste my days complaining about myself. The minutes I spend writing this post I could have done so many more useful things. The situation I am in doesn't challenge me - because it isn't a situation. Getting out of it all would take nothing but a few concentrated hours. Which I ridiculously cannot force myself to spare at the moment.
I have so many hopes for going back, some of which seem to be the only reasons I am not completely despondent about having to go there again. It is my own fear of not being able to deal with the disappointment some of those hopes are bound to bring along that makes me want to stay. Gives me new hope I'll manage to finish things off here.
That way, I'll never move one step ahead. How fortunate for me that time doesn't wait for me, forces me to face each new sitation. I think otherwise I'd dig myself a little well, sit in it, and talk to the walls, hoping someone would steal the little ladder so I wouldn't have to climb back out just then. I tend to console myself about anything uncomfortable by telling myself that at least it will be over at some point - maybe if I think about the happy things the same way, I'll understand why I'm so terribly glad I'm going back to where I don't want to be in less than 36 hours.
Current Music: Sunset Rubdown - The Men Are Called Horsemen There
# posted by derniko : 17:54
