Samstag, Mai 06, 2006
On Regret, Dreams and what an Overdue IR Essay Has to Do with My Green Coat
Regret
To regret is the emotion that I am the most scared of. If I think about the day when I would look back and realise how much I could potentially regret, I get very scared. That is why I sat down before I left Norway to think about what I would regret if I left that day - and tried to make sure I'd have few regrets by the time I left. Of course that did not work out entirely, but I did manage not to regret too much.
It is harder when you don't have that time to look ahead, as in most situations in life. Rather, it seems to you like you are doing the right thing. Then, a while later, maybe a week later or maybe more, you start to regret. And even though you know that it was the right thing to do, you regret bitterly. To the extent that when you think about it, it gives you a physical stomach ache, and when you continue thinking about it, you give yourself a punch because you don't know what to do.
About two weeks ago it must have been now, that two things happened within about five days. The first was maybe wrong. Nothing very bad, but out of place. It should not have happened. But it did, I take partial responsibility for it. Everything seems to have led to it. Looking back at it, it was stupid, but I do not regret it. Later, I said what I had wanted to say for a while, hoping that it would make things easier. It was the opposite. It was the right thing to do. It tore apart my cover, and I hoped that would make things clearer. I made the first step, we talked, and that was what we needed the most then. At the same time, I so much regret doing it, this way. Since then, there have been more regrets, smaller ones. Every time that it seems to fall apart a little more I regret what happened then, and yet I know it was probably the best thing to do.
Dreams
Since then, I have had abstract dreams. The other morning I woke up and twisted in my bed because I was convinced that there was a cardboard message scratching me. It had appeared from under my blanket and brought me terrible news, reminded me of my regret. I felt devastated. I tried to sleep. The next time I woke up the same thing happened. In total maybe three, four times.
There was never anything scratching me. I was awake as can be. But something somewhere inside of me did not want to accept that I start the day without thinking it all through again. This morning when I woke up, my very first thought went to that regret, I do not know why. It still makes my stomach churn.
Sometimes I dream of what would have happened if there was not that one thing to regret. Whether I would regret more now because worse things would have happened (probably). Or whether things would have gone the way I had hoped they would, at a more natural pace. Things are falling apart right now at an unnatural pace. If things were coming together at a steady pace before, it seems like they have fallen apart as if there had never been anything.
There used to be moments when there seemed to be magic. When we could tell anything. When there was something beyond that bond us as we stood there across from one another, something that seemed to tell tales without a word. Now I can only dream of ever being allowed to stand that close to her again.
What an overdue IR essay has to do with my green coat
Essays have become a big worry for me. I seem to be unable to finish them in time. The weekend I tried not to regret, with that essay being due on Tuesday at 17.00. 2000 words, about a topic that I know nothing of, and well researched. Sunday-Monday night was party, Monday morning we traditionally ran into the sea to "may dip". Monday I spent doing nothing. And Monday night it hit me. I started acting ridiculously and freaked out. I hadn't slept the night before. I escaped, making things fall apart a substantial bit more, and locked myself up in the library until Wednesday 17.00, when I handed in a badly written, but well researched essay a day late.
All the while what kept me sane was my green coat. One pocket filled with a water bottle, and a special mix of Irn Bru and Red Bull. The other one with all kinds of food that would get me through those two days. And it reminded me that I had done these things before; that it was possible.
When I came back to the world on Wednesday, things had fallen apart and I realised how much I regretted. Today is Saturday. Two more nights here before I leave. I do not know if it will hurt to be away. The thought of it hurts. I do not know if I am hopeless for wasting my thoughts on something that could be resolved so easily, maybe. I want to wake up and not think about it right away. And yet I am more scared than ever that when I come back it will all be beyond repair.
Today is Saturday. The sun is shining, it is unbearably warm. I should go out and buy scottish things to take to Norway. And let go, let go, let go.
But then I know I will. It is only the mornings. And late evenings. Today I will BBQ! Pack, maybe. Sort things out so that I won't forget anything. Clean up my desk? Do my washing! Hug Shaun. Make sure I return library books. Try and buy a belt. Make phone calls. Remove the instant noodles from the cup on my desk. Have at least one vitamin pill. Hopefully write a poem. Go to the Bay Ball (free entertainment by artsy people on the beach). Listen to this song a few more times (it will be Germany's entry for the Eurovision Song Contest this year, too). Make sure my planner is up to date. And then, sit in my bed and read a book, and listen to music.
And finally ... a picture :) .
Current Music: Texas Lightning - Never Ever
PS: On a more cheerful note: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
PS2: If you have skype accounts, do let me know, then we can skype! You can find me there by searching for my full name, it has my home address on the profile.
To regret is the emotion that I am the most scared of. If I think about the day when I would look back and realise how much I could potentially regret, I get very scared. That is why I sat down before I left Norway to think about what I would regret if I left that day - and tried to make sure I'd have few regrets by the time I left. Of course that did not work out entirely, but I did manage not to regret too much.
It is harder when you don't have that time to look ahead, as in most situations in life. Rather, it seems to you like you are doing the right thing. Then, a while later, maybe a week later or maybe more, you start to regret. And even though you know that it was the right thing to do, you regret bitterly. To the extent that when you think about it, it gives you a physical stomach ache, and when you continue thinking about it, you give yourself a punch because you don't know what to do.
About two weeks ago it must have been now, that two things happened within about five days. The first was maybe wrong. Nothing very bad, but out of place. It should not have happened. But it did, I take partial responsibility for it. Everything seems to have led to it. Looking back at it, it was stupid, but I do not regret it. Later, I said what I had wanted to say for a while, hoping that it would make things easier. It was the opposite. It was the right thing to do. It tore apart my cover, and I hoped that would make things clearer. I made the first step, we talked, and that was what we needed the most then. At the same time, I so much regret doing it, this way. Since then, there have been more regrets, smaller ones. Every time that it seems to fall apart a little more I regret what happened then, and yet I know it was probably the best thing to do.
Dreams
Since then, I have had abstract dreams. The other morning I woke up and twisted in my bed because I was convinced that there was a cardboard message scratching me. It had appeared from under my blanket and brought me terrible news, reminded me of my regret. I felt devastated. I tried to sleep. The next time I woke up the same thing happened. In total maybe three, four times.
There was never anything scratching me. I was awake as can be. But something somewhere inside of me did not want to accept that I start the day without thinking it all through again. This morning when I woke up, my very first thought went to that regret, I do not know why. It still makes my stomach churn.
Sometimes I dream of what would have happened if there was not that one thing to regret. Whether I would regret more now because worse things would have happened (probably). Or whether things would have gone the way I had hoped they would, at a more natural pace. Things are falling apart right now at an unnatural pace. If things were coming together at a steady pace before, it seems like they have fallen apart as if there had never been anything.
There used to be moments when there seemed to be magic. When we could tell anything. When there was something beyond that bond us as we stood there across from one another, something that seemed to tell tales without a word. Now I can only dream of ever being allowed to stand that close to her again.
What an overdue IR essay has to do with my green coat
Essays have become a big worry for me. I seem to be unable to finish them in time. The weekend I tried not to regret, with that essay being due on Tuesday at 17.00. 2000 words, about a topic that I know nothing of, and well researched. Sunday-Monday night was party, Monday morning we traditionally ran into the sea to "may dip". Monday I spent doing nothing. And Monday night it hit me. I started acting ridiculously and freaked out. I hadn't slept the night before. I escaped, making things fall apart a substantial bit more, and locked myself up in the library until Wednesday 17.00, when I handed in a badly written, but well researched essay a day late.
All the while what kept me sane was my green coat. One pocket filled with a water bottle, and a special mix of Irn Bru and Red Bull. The other one with all kinds of food that would get me through those two days. And it reminded me that I had done these things before; that it was possible.
When I came back to the world on Wednesday, things had fallen apart and I realised how much I regretted. Today is Saturday. Two more nights here before I leave. I do not know if it will hurt to be away. The thought of it hurts. I do not know if I am hopeless for wasting my thoughts on something that could be resolved so easily, maybe. I want to wake up and not think about it right away. And yet I am more scared than ever that when I come back it will all be beyond repair.
Today is Saturday. The sun is shining, it is unbearably warm. I should go out and buy scottish things to take to Norway. And let go, let go, let go.
But then I know I will. It is only the mornings. And late evenings. Today I will BBQ! Pack, maybe. Sort things out so that I won't forget anything. Clean up my desk? Do my washing! Hug Shaun. Make sure I return library books. Try and buy a belt. Make phone calls. Remove the instant noodles from the cup on my desk. Have at least one vitamin pill. Hopefully write a poem. Go to the Bay Ball (free entertainment by artsy people on the beach). Listen to this song a few more times (it will be Germany's entry for the Eurovision Song Contest this year, too). Make sure my planner is up to date. And then, sit in my bed and read a book, and listen to music.
And finally ... a picture :) .
Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.
Current Music: Texas Lightning - Never Ever
PS: On a more cheerful note: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
PS2: If you have skype accounts, do let me know, then we can skype! You can find me there by searching for my full name, it has my home address on the profile.
# posted by derniko : 10:40
