Vonfuse(d) Me

Pre-script: This post is more a mental rambling to myself. I'll keep it here because I think some of us feel the same sometimes, and I know that personally I find it interesting to read when other people write about it. There's no deeper meaning to it, though ;) .

Oh no. I am in this mood. I am listening to the Field Mice, after an intensely long session of a computer game online while soft Underworld Techno freed my mind, and I long for someone to share this moment with me. It is nice and quiet here, apart from that very soft, slightly romantic, very intense and slightly melancholic music. Kind of dark in my room, the only light is my desk lamp. But with this music, I long for the security that I never had in St Andrews and which I missed so much. To have a few moments alone with one other person, somewhere where you feel comfortable/"home", and then to have a nice atmosphere and feel as if you can give yourself to that person in that moment, as if you could entrust that person with the responsibility to watch over your life, so you could take it off your own shoulders for a minute. In fact, if you died just then, it wouldn't matter, for nothing does in that moment, except the moment itself. A little Murakami-esque, as in "South of the Border, West of the Sun", when dying with someone you can devote yourself to is considered to be the highest pleasure by one of the characters. It is not easy to find the people who touch a life this strongly, but we all have them. Maybe, on a much more physical level, I just long to touch somebody for a bit. As ridiculous as it sounds, touching somebody is a sign of closeness to them, even if it is just a hand on a shoulder. I long to put my arms around somebody, no matter the age or gender, but to know that that person appreciates it and the person holding him/her.

In St Andys, I was sometimes alone in the room, but only very rarely alone and knowing that nobody could come in - and never knowing that nobody might want to come in. Then there were very few people whom I would trust that much. And even then, I never had the chance to make it a moment.

Right now there is a moment. The people whom I would want to share it with cannot be here. So instead I share it with - my blog. Joy.

I better be off to sleep now, before I'll waste another night to waste another day catching up on sleep. Sunday I'll be gone for the day. Next weekend I will be in Berlin, hopefully. If anybody is coming by Hannover this summer, do let me know. If anyone is in Germany, for that matter, let me know - after my travels this year this country seems hardly as big as it used to... ;) .

Current Music: The Field Mice - Willow