Dienstag, April 18, 2006
I am the Molpster
Today I realised a few things that have been bugging me for weeks now, what it was/is that I can't quite come to rest. It occured to me as I was walking back from my morning lecture and as I realised what was left to do in the day.
I like days when I am very busy. Because then I can find an excuse to not to the work and do something more "worthwhile". I like the days when I can tire myself out completely for something that I believe is a "good cause". I like the feeling of having suffered for something that is worthwhile. In a way, one of my subconscious goals of life seems to be being able to sacrifice myself.
When people appreciate that sacrifice, it gives me some kind of gratification. When they don't, I get angry at them - ridulously so, but I do. And that may have a huge impact on my mood.
In the end, I curl up again in my own little world and look for the next chance to make something worthwhile. I get very much hung up on being given the opportunity to sacrifice myself. I am not even afraid of dying if it serves a purpose. Maybe I should care a little more.
The other thing I realised is that I usually feel one of two things here - either happy, usually without explanation, and very happy. The bouncy cheerful happy with candy in my pockets. Or I am apathetic or depressed, and tell myself that I don't give a damn about anything. I can still be happy then, and I usually am - it just doesn't feel as genuine. It is the latter more often these days, which annoys me. What annoys me more is that the only way for me to overcome that is by in some way trying to be superior to what annoys me here - and I don't like having to feel superior to cope with a situation. Also, I have realised that I keep memories in my mind like pictures in an album. All filed away neatly, but every picture says so incredibly much by itself. This way I carry the pictures of the people dear to me around with me all the time.
Some people have told me these things before. I have heard them now.
----
Yet, I am not in a bad mood right now. I just don't feel very much, but as far as it goes, I guess one could say I am happy. I am feeling good. If only I could start caring about how I could get out the apathy, though. Soon, I hope.
And to give an example of one of those moments of pure joy and bliss (while the above was probably more an example of that apathy) : Farming on an organic, self-sustained farm for a few hours on the weekend, with many chickens running around.
Current Music: Megaherz - 5. März
I like days when I am very busy. Because then I can find an excuse to not to the work and do something more "worthwhile". I like the days when I can tire myself out completely for something that I believe is a "good cause". I like the feeling of having suffered for something that is worthwhile. In a way, one of my subconscious goals of life seems to be being able to sacrifice myself.
When people appreciate that sacrifice, it gives me some kind of gratification. When they don't, I get angry at them - ridulously so, but I do. And that may have a huge impact on my mood.
In the end, I curl up again in my own little world and look for the next chance to make something worthwhile. I get very much hung up on being given the opportunity to sacrifice myself. I am not even afraid of dying if it serves a purpose. Maybe I should care a little more.
The other thing I realised is that I usually feel one of two things here - either happy, usually without explanation, and very happy. The bouncy cheerful happy with candy in my pockets. Or I am apathetic or depressed, and tell myself that I don't give a damn about anything. I can still be happy then, and I usually am - it just doesn't feel as genuine. It is the latter more often these days, which annoys me. What annoys me more is that the only way for me to overcome that is by in some way trying to be superior to what annoys me here - and I don't like having to feel superior to cope with a situation. Also, I have realised that I keep memories in my mind like pictures in an album. All filed away neatly, but every picture says so incredibly much by itself. This way I carry the pictures of the people dear to me around with me all the time.
If I die clutching your photograph
Don't call me boring - it's just 'cause I like you
- The Start of Something, by Voxtrot
Don't call me boring - it's just 'cause I like you
- The Start of Something, by Voxtrot
"But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be), by The Proclaimers
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be), by The Proclaimers
Some people have told me these things before. I have heard them now.
----
Yet, I am not in a bad mood right now. I just don't feel very much, but as far as it goes, I guess one could say I am happy. I am feeling good. If only I could start caring about how I could get out the apathy, though. Soon, I hope.
And to give an example of one of those moments of pure joy and bliss (while the above was probably more an example of that apathy) : Farming on an organic, self-sustained farm for a few hours on the weekend, with many chickens running around.
Current Music: Megaherz - 5. März
# posted by derniko : 02:46
random remarks:
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sacrificing yourself is not done for the others to appreciate, but is a rather internal thing. If you do it, you shouldn't expect recognition. Plus, you can get recognition without having to drain yourself completely. That's what most ppl do and usually ignore the ones that sacrifice themself.
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