Vonfuse(d) Me

It has been way too long since I last posted here. I don't know what has kept me. I have even been back to Germany in the meantime.

I realised last night that I haven't properly let myself be troubled for a long. I prefer the word troubled to being upset because it is more precise in saying that there is a worry, but it may not be pressing. That doesn't make it go away, though. It was Saturday that I suddenly had the feeling that nothing I will ever do will be as grandios as two years in Flekke, and for whatever reason, even my last summer.


Sometimes I wish I could just simply break down over all of these things. In five days I will be leaving this town again, for 15 months this time. Another goodbye to be said as I won't see many of these people again when I come back. Yet, what maybe scares me more, is having to say yet another goodbye at the end of next year when I leave Virginia. I am not afraid of change, not at all, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stay in one place.

Whenever I travel by bus and journey through all the small villages along the way here, I wish I had grown up in one. Maybe gone to University nearby, or in the same country. Somewhere where I wouldn't have to worry about packing everything that is my independent existence away from home into boxes or suitcases at the end of an academic year. Somewhere where I could "live".

This way, this dream of mine will have to be deferred by at least one more year. And who knows what I will do after St Andrews? A friend asked me whether I will go back to Germany afterwards. Maybe, possibly - I really want to go somewhere else, see the world. But do another degree? Go into acadaemia? Or settle down, get a job? I wish "father" from Cat Stevens' song Father and Son would come over here and sing to me...

Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.

I feel like I am speeding through life on the fast lane at the moment. It brings me close to many fantastic moments. But maybe sometimes I wish some of them would stay.

Current Music: The Scorpions - Always Somewhere