Vonfuse(d) Me

I just want to feel something really strongly. I want to feel a negative emotion really strongly.

The negative emotion I want to feel is anger or disappointment towards myself for not feeling stronger about daily life situations at the moment. Those are the feelings I need to guide me through those situations, but they are not with me. But then I cannot even feel that one negative emotion.

When things appear circular, what is most difficult is finding out where to start. And then this is not even properly circular.

Current Music: The Polyphonic Spree - Hold Me Now

At a party tonight, we mixed a weird powerade drink first with Vodka, then with Vermouth (Martini of sorts), and then with the two together. The result, which was quite alcoholic but very drinkable, we named "Blue Poison", after its content and the vicious blue colour it had...

I won a year's supply of organic vegan soap, shampoo and washing up liquid last week. Right now I have twelve gorgeous soap bars in my room, together with five litres each of dark orange washing up liquid and a very plain-looking shampoo, each in those big canisters.

On Wednesday I will be back to Germany, if BA manages to book me onto a flight I will actually be able to take. This is after cancelling the flight I was meant to be on because they sold part of their service to budget airline flybe, who decided to cancel half the flights as a result... Oh the joy of being (mostly) dependent on some form of air travel to go home...

Current Music: Shakira - Underneath Your Clothes

My going leftie project is not overly successfull at the moment. By now I have become used to looking at my right arm when checking for the time, so it is about time I start a new project - but as of now, I am unsure of what it might be. I will see tomorrow. Most likely I will start using my left hand to pick up things, throw things etc...

Blogs I find increasingly intrigueing. This is a very quiet blog, yet it is a deep one - not many people read it, but there is quite some honesty in there, even if hidden behind a lot of language. I want to be more open - yet I have realised that I can hurt so many people if I am just plain honest. While hurting people is bad enough, doing so over the internet would be disastrous.

These days I sometimes feel a little lonely. Not lonely in the sense that there is nobody whom I could go to - but lonely as in that there isn't anyone there just then. A lot of that has to do with security. Can objects be friends? So often I think of my green coat as a source of comfort when I need it, maybe like a friend. Sometimes my schedule is my friend because it tells me what I should do, something many of my friends here could never do. Maybe right now the beer I am drinking is my friend, for it keeps me company. I don't expect anyone else to - but I would like it, in a way. (Although I have to be careful here, for saying that an alcoholic drink is a friend is putting me quite close to alcoholism ;) ) I wish the essay I should write would become my friend, too...

And not to avoid the topic, a word on emotions - I wish I could tell myself to feel what I should feel, rather than what I do feel. Maybe I just feel too much. Maybe I think of feelings the same way I think of many objects - I am afraid to lose them, for they *might* be handy again one day. But of course that creates more conflicts than it solves and makes up all that baggage that I can take only if it is all that I can't leave behind.

Finally, a picture: Last Friday was election day. I campaigned for an "opinion poll" on ethical investment and bounced about one day as the "green fairy"/"ethical superhero". Can't say I didn't enjoy it, although it is a bit freaky meeting people now for whom their first impression of me was as that green thing...



Current Music: The Arcade Fire - My Body is a Cage

I've always wondered what it is like to be left handed. From this week on, I will try to become left handed. (Or rather, double handed, since I am already right handed ?!)

I have started by putting my watch on my other arm. Once I feel comfortable with that, I'll try and grab things with my other hand, wear my bag over my shoulder the other way, put my computer mouse on the other side and eventually start writing with my left hand.

This may take me a long while, but I want to give it a try! Any ideas and support from the lefties out there would be highly appreciated ;) ! I'll update my status on here as well...

Current Music: Belle and Sebastian - Legal Man

PS: This song is one you all have to listen to :D ! One of the happiest and bounciest songs I know. Yeah!