Vonfuse(d) Me

TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR FINGERS: Niko
CHIN: kjmlko
ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED:niko
ELBOW: mnikolk,lo
LIPS: nikjmkokl
PALM: n8iik9o
BACK OF HAND: h i9ko
NOSE: niko

-----------------DESCRIBE--------------- ---

-- YOUR HERITAGE: german
-- THE SHOES YOU WORE TODAY: dark street/hiking boots
-- YOUR EYES: blue-green
-- YOUR WEAKNESS: Invitation/Temptation
-- YOUR FEARS: Regretting, being alone
-- ONE THING YOU'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE: Be independent of anything worldly

-----------------WHAT IS------------------

-- YOUR FIRST THROUGHTS WAKING UP THIS MORNING: "What time is it?"
-- YOUR BEDTIME: Anytime between midnight and three in the morning
-- YOUR GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Partially understanding myself
-- YOUR MOST MISSED MEMORY: The feeling of being far out in a bubble with 200 other lost souls and there being nothing to change that.

-----------------YOU PREFER------------------

-- PEPSI OR COKE: Pepsi
-- MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING: Burger King
-- SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Single
-- ADIDAS OR NIKE: Neither
-- CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Vanilla
-- CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: Cappuccino, or a coffee with lots of milk and sugar

-----------------DO YOU------------------

-- SMOKE: No
-- CUSS: Yes
-- TAKE A SHOWER EVERYDAY: Yes
-- HAVE A CRUSH(ES): Matter of definition
-- WANT TO GET MARRIED: Yes
-- TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: Yepp
-- GET MOTION SICKNESS: No
-- THINK YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE: Nope
-- THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: In some sense, yes
-- GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Yes
-- LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: I love them
-- PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: Used to play the cello

-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------

-- FLOWN ON A PLANE: Yes
-- MISSED SCHOOL BECAUSE IT WAS RAINING?: Nearly, a few classmates did.
-- TOLD A GUY/GIRL THAT YOU LIKED THEM?: Yes
-- CRIED DURING A MOVIE?: Yes
-- EVER THOUGHT AN ANIME CHARACTER WAS HOT?: No
-- HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND: Probably so, I talk to inanimate objects
-- BEEN ON STAGE?: Yepp, a few times
-- CUT YOUR HAIR: Unfortunately ;)
-- HAD CRUSH ON A TEACHER?: Hmmm, not really, or maybe?
-- GOTTEN BEATEN UP?: Yes
-- BEEN IN A FIGHT: Yes
-- SHOPLIFTED: No

-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------

-- NUMBER OF ( REAL LIFE! ) BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS ( NOT INTERWEB!! ) YOU'VE HAD: 1
-- NUMBER OF PEOPLE I COULD TRUST WITH MY LIFE: (Excluding relatives) Maybe a handful
-- NUMBER OF PIERCINGS: 0
-- NUMBER OF TATTOOS: 0
-- NUMBER OF TIMES MY NAME HAS APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPER?: Hmmm, a few times
-- NUMBER OF SCARS ON MY BODY: Three or four, I sometimes give them names
-- NUMBER OF THINGS IN MY PAST THAT I REGRET: Fortunately not too many, but some big ones.

----------------FAVORITES--------------- ---

-- SHAMPOO: Lush Daddyo
-- FAV COLOR: Yellow for mood, Red for symbolism
-- DAY/NIGHT: Night
-- SUMMER/WINTER: Winter
-- FAVE CARTOON CHARACTER: Goofy
-- FAVE FOOD: Pasta in all varieties
-- FAVE MOVIES: Love Me If You Dare, Once Upon a Time in the West
-- FAVE SPORT: Kayaking
-- FAVE SONG: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel

----------------RIGHT NOW------------------

-- WEARING: Black trousers, green fleece jacket
-- DRINKING: Water
-- THINKING ABOUT: Sleeping, dreaming
-- LISTENING TO: A random playlist

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------

-- CRIED: Yes
-- WORN JEANS: No
-- MET SOMEONE NEW ONLINE: No
-- DONE LAUNDRY: No, but should have...
-- DROVE A CAR: No
-- TALKED ON THE PHONE: Yes

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------

-- YOURSELF: Every now and then
-- YOUR FRIENDS: Oh yes :)
-- SANTA CLAUSE: Nope
-- TOOTH FAIRY: In a way
-- DESTINY/FATE: Yes, certainly
-- ANGELS: Yes
-- GHOSTS: Not really
-- UFO'S: Possibly
-- GOD: Force, rather

--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

-- DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD ANOTHER NAME?: No
-- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND?: No
-- DO YOU LIKE ( IN THE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED WAY! ) ANYONE?: Yes and no?!
-- WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ACTS THE MOST LIKE YOU?: I hope none have fallen that low ;)
-- WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS?: People I have little contact to now, unfortunately
-- ARE YOU CLOSE TO ANY FAMILY MEMBER?: Yes
-- WHO DO YOU HANG AROUND THE MOST?: Sir Koko
-- WHEN DO YOU CRY THE MOST: When I don't know what to say or I cannot say it the way I want it to say. The same goes for thinking.
-- WHAT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: Touch
-- WORST FEELING?: Uncertainty
--WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?: Too late to do my laundry ;)

______________________________________________________________

+CURRENT+

CURRENT MOOD: Apathetic
CURRENT MUSIC: Calm
CURRENT TASTE: Sweet, sweeet, sweet
CURRENT HAIR: Too short for my liking
CURRENT ANNOYANCE: Inability to tire myself
CURRENT SMELL: Noodles
CURRENT THING I OUGHT TO BE DOING: Unpacking, finishing my noodles, doing my laundry, sleeping
CURRENT WINDOWS OPEN: Thunderbird, Firefox, Windows Messenger, WinAmp, Skype, a folder with pictures, a half-written email
CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE: A picture from last term here
CURRENT BOOK: Nabokov's Lolita (again)

+DO YOU EVER+

HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK?: No
REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE?: Yes
STILL LOVE HIM/HER: In the way we all leave a piece of our heart with our first love
READ THE NEWSPAPER?: Online, yes
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER?: Yepp
CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS?: Yes
CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE?: Never
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL?: Depends on the drink
HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY?: Several
DONE WELL IN SCHOOL?: Yes
WEAR HATS?: Oh yes
SHUN FRIENDS?: Not intentionally
WISH ON STARS?: Yes
LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: On some occasions
CARE ABOUT LOOKS?: Non-physical looks, as in expressions and emotions expressed in gesture and appearance

+ARE YOU A+

WUSS: No
DRUGGY: Nope
DAYDREAMER: Yes, yes
FREAK: People say so, I believe them ;)
DORK: Possibly
BRAT: No?!
SARCASTIC: Never!
SHY: Very much so, too often
TALKATIVE: Generally yes
ADVENTUROUS: Yes
JOKER: Possibly?

+LAST+ ME:

LAST BOOK YOU READ: Shaun Tan - The Red Tree
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW: Trouble in Paradise III / episodes of "Green Wing"
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Water
LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: This morning
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: String Quartet Tribute - Boys Don't Cry


---
Thank you for this, oaco ;) .

Current Music: String Quartet Tribute - Boys Don't Cry

"I don't do mornings" - If only it was all as easy as that. Maybe if we redefine morning to be a state of mind rahter than a time, it would be easier. I tend to wake up reasonably early these days, and it'll take me a while to adjust to reality and stop the images from passing by my mental eye. I am not dreaming, far from it, I am thinking then.

Then on the other hands, mornings have the magical ability to create opportunities. As I am waking up, I am making plans for the day. I listen to nice music, I watch great short clips, I talk to my flatmates. If only "morning" wouldn't start with waking up, but with the first euphoric thought of the day ;) .


Here are two videos that a flatmate of mine created himself - they are not only entertaining, but if you consider that they were done on practically no budget, and as a pastime, they are just incredible. My only claim to fame is that I gave them a hairdryer to heat the plasticine before modelling - but I doubt that I'll get around taking a larger part in Trouble in Paradise IV ;) . I hope you'll enjoy watching them, and if you do, please pass the Youtube link on :) .




Current Music: The Gathering - Even the Spirits are Afraid

As I brushed my teeth a minute ago, a small puddle of blood accumulated in the sink. Maybe that is part of another step as well, a small one to bring me the distance it takes to get me back on track?!

Current Music: The Waifs - London Still

Yesterday I officially matriculated for another year. One more year in Golftown.

Yesterday I also cried silent tears after coming back to my room. The ones that you don't know are coming, when all seems okay, and you don't even pull a single muscle in your face; don't move a bit.


My life seems to be a progression of small and big steps. Those two were small steps onwards, but they may have taken me far. The fact that I am writing about yesterday, today, is yet another small step.

When one does small steps that take one far, one learns that the significance of a step is not its stride - but how far they hurl you along in it. It is the bigger steps these days that seem to make me stumble along, and the small ones that move me.

Yet where I am going, I do not dare to imagine.

Current Music: The Flaming Lips - Bohemian Rhapsody

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
-Author Unknown

Ouch!

Current Music: The Birthday Massacre - Video Kid

PS: But then - The message misleading. / We're lying, we're cheating. / We're only repeating. / The motions preceding.

Thus I cry, I scream, I burn, burn, burn. I stumble head over heels into tomorrow for lack of choice. But fearless I am not at all.

Current Music: Massive Attack - Teardrop

If my life is a soundtrack, the next change of playlist is two planes, a train and a bus, a few hours, away. Let's hope I'll recognise the melodies ;) .

May 2005 may be too early to sing an ode to it, and really a place doesn't have a taste of music, but is it not ironic that the last big change of playlist brought me to a song that I'm now using to desribe it?



Current Music: Ball Boy - I Lost You But I Found Country Music

36 Hours, less even, until I'll be on my way back to that loved/hated place up in Scotland. I don't know how many times over the past few days I have read the same cheerful "So much looking forward to going back" on messageboards and elsewhere, and every time there is a negative reply, the response is - "well, you made your choice on UCAS, did you not?".

Maybe just that is my problem. It isn't the university, but the people who don't see my problem. Because their ignorance is the problem, not their ignorance of my problem, but their ignorance of any problem, their absence of concern for anything but themselves. My inability to deal with it is my problem. "I'm no horsemen! And you are no angel..."

I'm leaving a job done badly. My summer holiday was good. Some parts were outstanding. Yet I've failed to leave my break with the happy and warm feeling of going back and being ready for St Andrews again, as everybody else seems to have. If things momentarily seem to be falling apart at home, who'd like to go back to where some things are destined to fail. I could take it as a challenge, and I should. But that requires for the situation to challenge me.

The only reason I make a problem out of it right now is my own inability to kick myself off the ground and get things ready. I waste my days complaining about myself. The minutes I spend writing this post I could have done so many more useful things. The situation I am in doesn't challenge me - because it isn't a situation. Getting out of it all would take nothing but a few concentrated hours. Which I ridiculously cannot force myself to spare at the moment.

I have so many hopes for going back, some of which seem to be the only reasons I am not completely despondent about having to go there again. It is my own fear of not being able to deal with the disappointment some of those hopes are bound to bring along that makes me want to stay. Gives me new hope I'll manage to finish things off here.

That way, I'll never move one step ahead. How fortunate for me that time doesn't wait for me, forces me to face each new sitation. I think otherwise I'd dig myself a little well, sit in it, and talk to the walls, hoping someone would steal the little ladder so I wouldn't have to climb back out just then. I tend to console myself about anything uncomfortable by telling myself that at least it will be over at some point - maybe if I think about the happy things the same way, I'll understand why I'm so terribly glad I'm going back to where I don't want to be in less than 36 hours.

Current Music: Sunset Rubdown - The Men Are Called Horsemen There

Maybe I wish I was only a TV Show character, pulling himself together for the season finale. Back to the fairways and greens of golftown on Friday. While I don't long to be back, I can't wait.

This was at a birthday party this weekend. I was completely sober at the time. It was fun while it lasted, so to speak ;) .






Current Music: The Kooks - She Moves in Her Own Ways