Vonfuse(d) Me

"Must be the reason why I'm King of my castle" - Warmdue Project

Current Music: Tegan and Sara - Walking With a Ghost

Anger
My evenings seem to get increasingly tense. Unless I have a happy experience in the evenings, I get more and more desperate about things. Two nights ago I walked with friends to a place, and when we walked back, I excused myself saying I had to go for my night walk (which I have started doing regularly, the walk at night), and ran off. I don't know what they thought as I just put on my headphones from one minute to the other and sprinted off, throwing my arms around the air to the tunes of Another Radio Song by Okkervil River.

I have no reason to be angry. If at all, I have reason to be a little despondent. Maybe a little unhappy, or at least unsatisfied with the way things are going. But there is certainly nothing here that justifies me having so much anger inside of me. When I walked to ethics on Saturday a friend had to calm me down on the way. She managed, fortunately. It continued all day, and came out in the evening again.

When it comes out, I give short answers to people. I get bored of their conversations, and leave the room if I don't find a way to join in. I listen to my music more than usual, sometimes even when walking with people. I move a lot, jump a lot, run, seem to have a lot of energy. I can become very cynical. I try not to let it show too much - yet that is excactly what I am after by behaving this way. If I was genuinely angry I would react in a way that would show I am angry - and not in a way that makes me seem strange or weird. What I really want is for someone to come up to me and ask me what is wrong. Then to not accept my usual "Nono, everything is fine. Today's just not my day" and to step a little out of their way for me, as I would say I've done many times for them. Then for me to be able to break down on them, tell them everything, to feel as if they care, too. There are very few people here whom I would trust like that in the first place, and then they would usually stop at stage two, or I would not keep to my part. Yet I am so contradicting. It is exactly towards these people that I show this weird attitude - of course they'd be a little freaked out and would be rather hesitant.

My anger must come from somewhere inside me, and be directed at something inside me. Which is a little frustrating, because it seems so hard to do anything about it. The first step is to think differently, judge situations differently. But it is just that which I am not sure of how to do right now. Being away will help.

Flekkeland
There is not that much that I can say about it, and not so much I want to say about it, either. Being back was nice, but strange. I never truly arrived, just as I had never truly left. I recognised so many things as if I was still there, yet I never truly felt present in Flekke. My first gaze when going into Kantina would still always be on my mailbox. Sweden House smelled just the way it always has. The small hill up to the library felt as it always has. Yet I was always dependent on other people. I was not legitimately there, I was a visitor. Which is fair enough, but it feels weird visiting a place that you called home for two years. While I could always visit, I could never invite.

I did what I had wanted to do. Managed to see that College Video seems beyond hope. [rant] I don't know what will still happen, I am deeply disappointed at what has been happening so far. Pirate copies will have to be the norm, I don't know if the college will ever manage to simply copy the master copies that are there. Apparently they had been lost, apparently the copying machine works. The miscommunication is appaling. I found several master copies there, and that the machine did not work at least with everything I tried. It sounds a little helpless, but yes, we will have to wait and see whether they will get everything back on track. [/rant] Jumped into the fjord. Went kayaking. Had cheese with jam. There was never enough time.

When I left, it felt very strange again. I am glad I went back. I did not think leaving Flekke again would have such an impact on me. It was short-lived. I travelled back to St Andys for the next 42.5 hours, including a night in Bergen and a night on a bus.

By the time I was in Rysjedalsvika my worries of coming back were enough to overshadow any worry I may have had about leaving Flekke. Fortunately the gratefulness of having been back was also enough to overshadow those worries - at least until Haugesund Airport the next morning.



Leaving Everything I Have Here Behind Me
Literally and physically, in less than a week. I don't feel ready yet. The thought of it gives me that stomach ache again. I know I have to go away - in fact, that reminds me of the last lines of Cat Stevens' "Father and Son", which I sang along to nearly every morning when I last very much wanted to leave a place - that was Hannover a few months before I was due off to Norway.

Now I want to leave here so that it gives me time to think about people, and maybe some people time to think about me. Think about what this one year has brought. I cannot say that it has been a very good year. Maybe I'll say that when I am back in Hannover and have thought about this year more. The good moments seem overshadowes by the not so good ones, and apart from those few special moments I have been the happiest when I was away for a bit.

I do not want to leave just yet, if it wasn't for this one thing. There are more things to do here. Realising that some of these people I will not see in four months is quite intense and does make me a little sad - or desperate in some cases. If I manage to sort everything out, my last few days might be beautiful. I dreamt about it last night, how it would be if it didn't go beautiful. I still have the stomach ache. I am weak at the moment, and I do not like being weak.

For 1 1/2 semesters I have managed to build up a few things. Now they all seem to fall apart, I doubt that I have done anything productive in the last two months. I lack the energy to keep up what I was so active in. Negative feedback. Ah, I remember my Biology teacher back in Flekke first year, explaining Negative Feedback by asking for what it was and hammering the first person to answer into the ground :) .

In fact, I am scared of leaving. Scared of running out of time. What I have to do I could do now. But it is morning, and I have an exam in 4 hours. I could do it this evening. If that fails, I have only one other evening left. I must not allow myself to fail. Make it my last challenge for this place. Make it my last goal. Waste myself on this last task, if it means not wasting myself on hours of regret over the summer.

Otherwise, my job here is done. There are very few things that would pull me back. The hope for a good year next year is one, and that somebody I know might come up. And that some people here I would never be able to forget, no matter what the story is.



Current Music: Guns 'N' Roses - Knockin' On Heaven's Door (live)

I don't know whether to think it a good or a not-quite-so-good thing when I am starting to lose sleep over the people I care about...

(At least I get to be up early and be productive. And say 'Good Morning' to Sir Koko who actually stayed beside me all of last night, one of the few nights I have not subconsciously kicked him out/thrown him out/pushed him out of my bed. Niko is going to bed with a cuddly toy - who would ever have thunk it.)




Current Music: Modest Mouse - Float On

Don't know if this is a big thing in Germany already, but it has missed me up until now. But oh yeah! This made my day!



And then came revenge from their girls and oh-what-a-man!


Current Music: Devics - Lie to Me

Back from Norway. One exam down, four to go. It didn't go so badly. And the others I am less worried about. I just realised that I have 248 custom emoticons on my MSN. And that I pronounce Salmon and Bomb very wrongly in english.

This song I don't like incredibly much. But I listen to it over and over again, and some lines have stuck in my head, come to me at the most random moments. It is quite beautiful, though.



Today I wished I could be really angry at someone or something in particular. It ended up being myself. That passed after five minutes. Then I thought how much I long to be with people who know me again. Or rather, people who know me and just then are not the cause for my anger. But that also passed. Now I just wish my next exam was sooner so I could have an excuse not to do other things. But that will pass tomorrow - when I will have an exam again soon ;) .




Current Music: The Field Mice - Before the First Kiss

PS: The title of this post shall be explained soon...
PS2: That picture must be at least 3 years old.
PS3: If anyone has or can find Jackson Browne - From Silver Lake, do let me know :)
And lastly: You can find the song I posted about at the Hype Machine

Ready or not, here it comes...

Six days away from here. Four days there. May it be.

Current Music: Murderer By Death - Brother

Regret
To regret is the emotion that I am the most scared of. If I think about the day when I would look back and realise how much I could potentially regret, I get very scared. That is why I sat down before I left Norway to think about what I would regret if I left that day - and tried to make sure I'd have few regrets by the time I left. Of course that did not work out entirely, but I did manage not to regret too much.

It is harder when you don't have that time to look ahead, as in most situations in life. Rather, it seems to you like you are doing the right thing. Then, a while later, maybe a week later or maybe more, you start to regret. And even though you know that it was the right thing to do, you regret bitterly. To the extent that when you think about it, it gives you a physical stomach ache, and when you continue thinking about it, you give yourself a punch because you don't know what to do.

About two weeks ago it must have been now, that two things happened within about five days. The first was maybe wrong. Nothing very bad, but out of place. It should not have happened. But it did, I take partial responsibility for it. Everything seems to have led to it. Looking back at it, it was stupid, but I do not regret it. Later, I said what I had wanted to say for a while, hoping that it would make things easier. It was the opposite. It was the right thing to do. It tore apart my cover, and I hoped that would make things clearer. I made the first step, we talked, and that was what we needed the most then. At the same time, I so much regret doing it, this way. Since then, there have been more regrets, smaller ones. Every time that it seems to fall apart a little more I regret what happened then, and yet I know it was probably the best thing to do.


Dreams
Since then, I have had abstract dreams. The other morning I woke up and twisted in my bed because I was convinced that there was a cardboard message scratching me. It had appeared from under my blanket and brought me terrible news, reminded me of my regret. I felt devastated. I tried to sleep. The next time I woke up the same thing happened. In total maybe three, four times.

There was never anything scratching me. I was awake as can be. But something somewhere inside of me did not want to accept that I start the day without thinking it all through again. This morning when I woke up, my very first thought went to that regret, I do not know why. It still makes my stomach churn.

Sometimes I dream of what would have happened if there was not that one thing to regret. Whether I would regret more now because worse things would have happened (probably). Or whether things would have gone the way I had hoped they would, at a more natural pace. Things are falling apart right now at an unnatural pace. If things were coming together at a steady pace before, it seems like they have fallen apart as if there had never been anything.

There used to be moments when there seemed to be magic. When we could tell anything. When there was something beyond that bond us as we stood there across from one another, something that seemed to tell tales without a word. Now I can only dream of ever being allowed to stand that close to her again.


What an overdue IR essay has to do with my green coat
Essays have become a big worry for me. I seem to be unable to finish them in time. The weekend I tried not to regret, with that essay being due on Tuesday at 17.00. 2000 words, about a topic that I know nothing of, and well researched. Sunday-Monday night was party, Monday morning we traditionally ran into the sea to "may dip". Monday I spent doing nothing. And Monday night it hit me. I started acting ridiculously and freaked out. I hadn't slept the night before. I escaped, making things fall apart a substantial bit more, and locked myself up in the library until Wednesday 17.00, when I handed in a badly written, but well researched essay a day late.

All the while what kept me sane was my green coat. One pocket filled with a water bottle, and a special mix of Irn Bru and Red Bull. The other one with all kinds of food that would get me through those two days. And it reminded me that I had done these things before; that it was possible.


When I came back to the world on Wednesday, things had fallen apart and I realised how much I regretted. Today is Saturday. Two more nights here before I leave. I do not know if it will hurt to be away. The thought of it hurts. I do not know if I am hopeless for wasting my thoughts on something that could be resolved so easily, maybe. I want to wake up and not think about it right away. And yet I am more scared than ever that when I come back it will all be beyond repair.


Today is Saturday. The sun is shining, it is unbearably warm. I should go out and buy scottish things to take to Norway. And let go, let go, let go.


But then I know I will. It is only the mornings. And late evenings. Today I will BBQ! Pack, maybe. Sort things out so that I won't forget anything. Clean up my desk? Do my washing! Hug Shaun. Make sure I return library books. Try and buy a belt. Make phone calls. Remove the instant noodles from the cup on my desk. Have at least one vitamin pill. Hopefully write a poem. Go to the Bay Ball (free entertainment by artsy people on the beach). Listen to this song a few more times (it will be Germany's entry for the Eurovision Song Contest this year, too). Make sure my planner is up to date. And then, sit in my bed and read a book, and listen to music.

And finally ... a picture :) .




Current Music: Texas Lightning - Never Ever

PS: On a more cheerful note: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

PS2: If you have skype accounts, do let me know, then we can skype! You can find me there by searching for my full name, it has my home address on the profile.

For some reason I decided to listen to Rage again today. They were a band I discovered in a second hand CD store many years ago, with a friend whom I have unfortunately lost sight of now... Years later, I bought another CD by then, and then another.
This was one of my absolute favourites back then. And it still is. Singing the same old songs over again...




Not feeling as bad as it seems from the song. The music is more like the bassline in a good rock song - it complements my mood perfectly, yet plays subtly in the background, and when I feel drained of it all, it is there to keep my emotional beat up.

A longer post on regret, dreams and what an overdue IR essay has to do with my green coat to come soon :) .

Current Music: Rage - From the Cradle to the Grave