Sonntag, April 30, 2006
This morning
[10:21:08] the molpster: my problem is that i don't know how to react.
i don't know if there is any hope. yet i don't want to be
the one making the situation uncomfortable. there is so
much to risk if everything breaks apart. few things are
this valuable to me here...
[10:22:24] The Groovesm: Yes, but you can't sit down and watch things
pass by, for fear of ruining them.
[10:22:55] The Groovesm: Everything in life is about iniative: why?
Only so that when things go to living hell, at least you
can say: i willed it so.
[10:23:02] The Groovesm: If not, then life will will you.
[10:23:09] The Groovesm: And that is the worst feeling.
Thank you for all your comments :)
I still don't know quite what to think. But I have some idea what to make of it now ;) .
Current Music: Phish - Secret Smile
i don't know if there is any hope. yet i don't want to be
the one making the situation uncomfortable. there is so
much to risk if everything breaks apart. few things are
this valuable to me here...
[10:22:24] The Groovesm: Yes, but you can't sit down and watch things
pass by, for fear of ruining them.
[10:22:55] The Groovesm: Everything in life is about iniative: why?
Only so that when things go to living hell, at least you
can say: i willed it so.
[10:23:02] The Groovesm: If not, then life will will you.
[10:23:09] The Groovesm: And that is the worst feeling.
Thank you for all your comments :)
I still don't know quite what to think. But I have some idea what to make of it now ;) .
Current Music: Phish - Secret Smile
Samstag, April 29, 2006
The little escapist...
... will soon do it again.
I will arrive at Oslo Torp at 14:55 on Monday, 8th May. In Flekke hopefully a day later.
I want to get away from here, too. Sometimes I don't care what I leave behind, what I let drop, and into how many pieces it might break. After all, it is only another four weeks.
Alternatively, I get upset because I have only four weeks to make sense of what this year has brought to me - and the one thing that I see positive seems to be falling apart
Alternatively, all that which I wouldn't mind breaking, I do mind breaking terribly much - after all, it is what keeps me here, and keeps me sane.
Alternatively, I feel so sick in my stomach that I cannot eat. Yesterday and today, and I doubt that it is only physical. But why do I mess with my own mind like that?
Alternatively, I can not concentrate on anything and start crying again. At least now I can do it. And fortunately there was somebody with me last night. This morning was not beautiful, either, but better.
Alternatively, I feel a sharp jab in my chest when I think too much, about people. It is good to forget about feeling sick. But usually leads to the not concentrating, too.
Alternatively, I listen to my ipod. The same songs over and over again. And then, with certain lines, all those feelings fade and I feel slightly elevated, hovering above the ground. But detached. It cannot last long, though. If I remember my essay, I feel sick, then I start thinking, then the jab, etc. Or I start thinking, feel the jab and so on.
But when I feel elevated, I smell the sea. And I remember the fjord. And I remember the difference between an escapist and an escapologist. An escapologist is one who is good at escaping, literally. That is what I do every time I leave St Andrews. An escapist is one who escapes into a dream- or fantasy world. That is what I do every time I leave the ground.
On Monday the 8th I'll do both.
Current Music: Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
I will arrive at Oslo Torp at 14:55 on Monday, 8th May. In Flekke hopefully a day later.
I want to get away from here, too. Sometimes I don't care what I leave behind, what I let drop, and into how many pieces it might break. After all, it is only another four weeks.
Alternatively, I get upset because I have only four weeks to make sense of what this year has brought to me - and the one thing that I see positive seems to be falling apart
Alternatively, all that which I wouldn't mind breaking, I do mind breaking terribly much - after all, it is what keeps me here, and keeps me sane.
Alternatively, I feel so sick in my stomach that I cannot eat. Yesterday and today, and I doubt that it is only physical. But why do I mess with my own mind like that?
Alternatively, I can not concentrate on anything and start crying again. At least now I can do it. And fortunately there was somebody with me last night. This morning was not beautiful, either, but better.
Alternatively, I feel a sharp jab in my chest when I think too much, about people. It is good to forget about feeling sick. But usually leads to the not concentrating, too.
Alternatively, I listen to my ipod. The same songs over and over again. And then, with certain lines, all those feelings fade and I feel slightly elevated, hovering above the ground. But detached. It cannot last long, though. If I remember my essay, I feel sick, then I start thinking, then the jab, etc. Or I start thinking, feel the jab and so on.
But when I feel elevated, I smell the sea. And I remember the fjord. And I remember the difference between an escapist and an escapologist. An escapologist is one who is good at escaping, literally. That is what I do every time I leave St Andrews. An escapist is one who escapes into a dream- or fantasy world. That is what I do every time I leave the ground.
On Monday the 8th I'll do both.
Current Music: Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
Freitag, April 28, 2006
Time
Beijing is seven hours ahead.
Boston is five hours behind.
Norway is about forty-eight weeks ago.
Is Norway about a week ahead?
Sleep will be about five hours long.
Sleep must be long enough.
Class tomorrow will seem much longer than 60 minutes.
In fact, tomorrow is already today.
The end of my first year is only four weeks away.
I wish I had more time.
The place I want to be right now is only seven minutes away.
Yet I know I wouldn't get there in time, this time.
Why is it that I can fly across timezones in hardly the time they take off my watch, when a moment does not age a bit in nearly a year, the short distance to my bed takes me hours, the time before going to bed expands magically, the time to make decisions never seems to come, and the most easily measured times are the ones that conceal the most?
Current Music: Thee More Shallows - 2am
Boston is five hours behind.
Norway is about forty-eight weeks ago.
Is Norway about a week ahead?
Sleep will be about five hours long.
Sleep must be long enough.
Class tomorrow will seem much longer than 60 minutes.
In fact, tomorrow is already today.
The end of my first year is only four weeks away.
I wish I had more time.
The place I want to be right now is only seven minutes away.
Yet I know I wouldn't get there in time, this time.
Why is it that I can fly across timezones in hardly the time they take off my watch, when a moment does not age a bit in nearly a year, the short distance to my bed takes me hours, the time before going to bed expands magically, the time to make decisions never seems to come, and the most easily measured times are the ones that conceal the most?
Current Music: Thee More Shallows - 2am
Freitag, April 21, 2006
Kept us awake with wolves teeth
One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade
To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
- Hearbeats, by The Knife (or in the new version by José Gonzalez)
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade
To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
- Hearbeats, by The Knife (or in the new version by José Gonzalez)
With a weekend with little work ahead of me, I'll hopefully manage to get the China pictures up...
Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Jeep Song
Donnerstag, April 20, 2006
Unplugged
Let my fall, let my fall on you
Tame my feet, I'll rope my knees 'round you
It ain't my fault, no, it ain't my fault, oh no
You broke the whole, you broke the whole, oh you
Tame my feet, I'll rope my knees 'round you
It ain't my fault, no, it ain't my fault, oh no
You broke the whole, you broke the whole, oh you
I'm in another realm at the moment. During the mornings I think academics. In the afternoons I think escape, and in the night i surrender.
Yet it is only at night when I come up with these dark ideas. During the day everything is so different, and I laugh at my own bad jokes. Or maybe I should change my evening routine and escape after I surrender - I appear to be moderately more successful at escaping.
I finished a fiction book this afternoon, managed to escape for the time it took me to read it. And though I would love to continue the one I put down to read the other one right now, I lack the energy. Hmm, I have the munchies. Maryland chocolate cookies before going to bed. I know what I'll dream of tonight...
Current Music: The Hidden Cameras - Builds the Bone
EDIT: And indeed I did dream. Of what I had predicted I'll dream. St Andrews reality mixed with some of my hopes (negated), disappointment and my fears (all in relation to the same person), mixed with the island at Haugland. Missing breakfast was well worth this.
Dienstag, April 18, 2006
I am the Molpster
Today I realised a few things that have been bugging me for weeks now, what it was/is that I can't quite come to rest. It occured to me as I was walking back from my morning lecture and as I realised what was left to do in the day.
I like days when I am very busy. Because then I can find an excuse to not to the work and do something more "worthwhile". I like the days when I can tire myself out completely for something that I believe is a "good cause". I like the feeling of having suffered for something that is worthwhile. In a way, one of my subconscious goals of life seems to be being able to sacrifice myself.
When people appreciate that sacrifice, it gives me some kind of gratification. When they don't, I get angry at them - ridulously so, but I do. And that may have a huge impact on my mood.
In the end, I curl up again in my own little world and look for the next chance to make something worthwhile. I get very much hung up on being given the opportunity to sacrifice myself. I am not even afraid of dying if it serves a purpose. Maybe I should care a little more.
The other thing I realised is that I usually feel one of two things here - either happy, usually without explanation, and very happy. The bouncy cheerful happy with candy in my pockets. Or I am apathetic or depressed, and tell myself that I don't give a damn about anything. I can still be happy then, and I usually am - it just doesn't feel as genuine. It is the latter more often these days, which annoys me. What annoys me more is that the only way for me to overcome that is by in some way trying to be superior to what annoys me here - and I don't like having to feel superior to cope with a situation. Also, I have realised that I keep memories in my mind like pictures in an album. All filed away neatly, but every picture says so incredibly much by itself. This way I carry the pictures of the people dear to me around with me all the time.
Some people have told me these things before. I have heard them now.
----
Yet, I am not in a bad mood right now. I just don't feel very much, but as far as it goes, I guess one could say I am happy. I am feeling good. If only I could start caring about how I could get out the apathy, though. Soon, I hope.
And to give an example of one of those moments of pure joy and bliss (while the above was probably more an example of that apathy) : Farming on an organic, self-sustained farm for a few hours on the weekend, with many chickens running around.
Current Music: Megaherz - 5. März
I like days when I am very busy. Because then I can find an excuse to not to the work and do something more "worthwhile". I like the days when I can tire myself out completely for something that I believe is a "good cause". I like the feeling of having suffered for something that is worthwhile. In a way, one of my subconscious goals of life seems to be being able to sacrifice myself.
When people appreciate that sacrifice, it gives me some kind of gratification. When they don't, I get angry at them - ridulously so, but I do. And that may have a huge impact on my mood.
In the end, I curl up again in my own little world and look for the next chance to make something worthwhile. I get very much hung up on being given the opportunity to sacrifice myself. I am not even afraid of dying if it serves a purpose. Maybe I should care a little more.
The other thing I realised is that I usually feel one of two things here - either happy, usually without explanation, and very happy. The bouncy cheerful happy with candy in my pockets. Or I am apathetic or depressed, and tell myself that I don't give a damn about anything. I can still be happy then, and I usually am - it just doesn't feel as genuine. It is the latter more often these days, which annoys me. What annoys me more is that the only way for me to overcome that is by in some way trying to be superior to what annoys me here - and I don't like having to feel superior to cope with a situation. Also, I have realised that I keep memories in my mind like pictures in an album. All filed away neatly, but every picture says so incredibly much by itself. This way I carry the pictures of the people dear to me around with me all the time.
If I die clutching your photograph
Don't call me boring - it's just 'cause I like you
- The Start of Something, by Voxtrot
Don't call me boring - it's just 'cause I like you
- The Start of Something, by Voxtrot
"But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be), by The Proclaimers
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be), by The Proclaimers
Some people have told me these things before. I have heard them now.
----
Yet, I am not in a bad mood right now. I just don't feel very much, but as far as it goes, I guess one could say I am happy. I am feeling good. If only I could start caring about how I could get out the apathy, though. Soon, I hope.
And to give an example of one of those moments of pure joy and bliss (while the above was probably more an example of that apathy) : Farming on an organic, self-sustained farm for a few hours on the weekend, with many chickens running around.
Current Music: Megaherz - 5. März
Mittwoch, April 12, 2006
Me back
I have returned safely from the country of spicy food, uncritical thinking, big statues and "long history". Oh, and of art exhibitions. But more about all that in the coming days when I will post a more detailed account.
For now: It was brilliant. Very intense, quite exhausting, but well worth every minute of it. It was great to see Oscar and Ellie again. And then to travel around by myself. This has actually been the first time that I have travelled from A-B-C and on without knowing people in any of the places, alone, and without speaking the language.
Here is one picture of me up on Hua Shan, one of the five sacred Taoist mountains. The climb up to there in the night and then watching the sunrise was the most intense experience I have made in quite a while, but more on that later as well.
It feels good to be back :) .
Current Music: Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles
For now: It was brilliant. Very intense, quite exhausting, but well worth every minute of it. It was great to see Oscar and Ellie again. And then to travel around by myself. This has actually been the first time that I have travelled from A-B-C and on without knowing people in any of the places, alone, and without speaking the language.
Here is one picture of me up on Hua Shan, one of the five sacred Taoist mountains. The climb up to there in the night and then watching the sunrise was the most intense experience I have made in quite a while, but more on that later as well.
It feels good to be back :) .
Current Music: Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles
