Vonfuse(d) Me

New York, New York

2008-03-02T05:42:00.002Z

It is with mixed feelings I embark on yet another journey, albeit a short one. Three days New York with a short trip to Princeton, two days Boston and a night in Amherst. I can't wait to get away, to travel again, to see different life. To take new pictures, to walk different roads, to breathe fresh air.

If only right now I didn't wish I could do all that without the travelling between places. I wish I was in Amherst already.

Then again - tomorrow night - New York, The Beach Boys in concert. Woohoo!

I just really don't know what is good for me.

Current Music: Bjørn Svin - Mer Strøm #2

The End of a Vonfused Being

2007-10-18T01:05:00.000+01:00

Vonfusion is, and should be, a temporary state.

Let's see where we shall go from here.

Current Music: Porcupine Tree - She's Moved On

Troubled

2007-05-22T13:08:00.001+01:00

It has been way too long since I last posted here. I don't know what has kept me. I have even been back to Germany in the meantime.

I realised last night that I haven't properly let myself be troubled for a long. I prefer the word troubled to being upset because it is more precise in saying that there is a worry, but it may not be pressing. That doesn't make it go away, though. It was Saturday that I suddenly had the feeling that nothing I will ever do will be as grandios as two years in Flekke, and for whatever reason, even my last summer.

Sometimes I wish I could just simply break down over all of these things. In five days I will be leaving this town again, for 15 months this time. Another goodbye to be said as I won't see many of these people again when I come back. Yet, what maybe scares me more, is having to say yet another goodbye at the end of next year when I leave Virginia. I am not afraid of change, not at all, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stay in one place.

Whenever I travel by bus and journey through all the small villages along the way here, I wish I had grown up in one. Maybe gone to University nearby, or in the same country. Somewhere where I wouldn't have to worry about packing everything that is my independent existence away from home into boxes or suitcases at the end of an academic year. Somewhere where I could "live".

This way, this dream of mine will have to be deferred by at least one more year. And who knows what I will do after St Andrews? A friend asked me whether I will go back to Germany afterwards. Maybe, possibly - I really want to go somewhere else, see the world. But do another degree? Go into acadaemia? Or settle down, get a job? I wish "father" from Cat Stevens' song Father and Son would come over here and sing to me...

Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.

I feel like I am speeding through life on the fast lane at the moment. It brings me close to many fantastic moments. But maybe sometimes I wish some of them would stay.

Current Music: The Scorpions - Always Somewhere

Circularity

2007-03-27T03:25:00.000+01:00

I just want to feel something really strongly. I want to feel a negative emotion really strongly.

The negative emotion I want to feel is anger or disappointment towards myself for not feeling stronger about daily life situations at the moment. Those are the feelings I need to guide me through those situations, but they are not with me. But then I cannot even feel that one negative emotion.

When things appear circular, what is most difficult is finding out where to start. And then this is not even properly circular.

Current Music: The Polyphonic Spree - Hold Me Now

Blue Poison and Soap

2007-03-26T03:41:00.000+01:00

At a party tonight, we mixed a weird powerade drink first with Vodka, then with Vermouth (Martini of sorts), and then with the two together. The result, which was quite alcoholic but very drinkable, we named "Blue Poison", after its content and the vicious blue colour it had...

I won a year's supply of organic vegan soap, shampoo and washing up liquid last week. Right now I have twelve gorgeous soap bars in my room, together with five litres each of dark orange washing up liquid and a very plain-looking shampoo, each in those big canisters.

On Wednesday I will be back to Germany, if BA manages to book me onto a flight I will actually be able to take. This is after cancelling the flight I was meant to be on because they sold part of their service to budget airline flybe, who decided to cancel half the flights as a result... Oh the joy of being (mostly) dependent on some form of air travel to go home...

Current Music: Shakira - Underneath Your Clothes

Going Leftie Part 1 1/2, Blogs, and why objects can be friends, too

2007-03-22T03:02:00.000Z

My going leftie project is not overly successfull at the moment. By now I have become used to looking at my right arm when checking for the time, so it is about time I start a new project - but as of now, I am unsure of what it might be. I will see tomorrow. Most likely I will start using my left hand to pick up things, throw things etc...

Blogs I find increasingly intrigueing. This is a very quiet blog, yet it is a deep one - not many people read it, but there is quite some honesty in there, even if hidden behind a lot of language. I want to be more open - yet I have realised that I can hurt so many people if I am just plain honest. While hurting people is bad enough, doing so over the internet would be disastrous.

These days I sometimes feel a little lonely. Not lonely in the sense that there is nobody whom I could go to - but lonely as in that there isn't anyone there just then. A lot of that has to do with security. Can objects be friends? So often I think of my green coat as a source of comfort when I need it, maybe like a friend. Sometimes my schedule is my friend because it tells me what I should do, something many of my friends here could never do. Maybe right now the beer I am drinking is my friend, for it keeps me company. I don't expect anyone else to - but I would like it, in a way. (Although I have to be careful here, for saying that an alcoholic drink is a friend is putting me quite close to alcoholism ;) ) I wish the essay I should write would become my friend, too...

And not to avoid the topic, a word on emotions - I wish I could tell myself to feel what I should feel, rather than what I do feel. Maybe I just feel too much. Maybe I think of feelings the same way I think of many objects - I am afraid to lose them, for they *might* be handy again one day. But of course that creates more conflicts than it solves and makes up all that baggage that I can take only if it is all that I can't leave behind.

Finally, a picture: Last Friday was election day. I campaigned for an "opinion poll" on ethical investment and bounced about one day as the "green fairy"/"ethical superhero". Can't say I didn't enjoy it, although it is a bit freaky meeting people now for whom their first impression of me was as that green thing...

Current Music: The Arcade Fire - My Body is a Cage

Going Leftie - Part I

2007-03-03T11:51:00.000Z

I've always wondered what it is like to be left handed. From this week on, I will try to become left handed. (Or rather, double handed, since I am already right handed ?!)

I have started by putting my watch on my other arm. Once I feel comfortable with that, I'll try and grab things with my other hand, wear my bag over my shoulder the other way, put my computer mouse on the other side and eventually start writing with my left hand.

This may take me a long while, but I want to give it a try! Any ideas and support from the lefties out there would be highly appreciated ;) ! I'll update my status on here as well...

Current Music: Belle and Sebastian - Legal Man

PS: This song is one you all have to listen to :D ! One of the happiest and bounciest songs I know. Yeah!

It's been a while...

2007-02-25T18:50:00.000Z

...since I have last posted here. And there haven't even been that many news in the meantime.

I've been to London and come back. I've had the results for my exams back, all without any major excitements. The new term started and is looking very interesting so far, although it'll be a lot of work.

This last week, and this is maybe the most interesting bit, I've lived off one pound a day. The One World society that I am quite active in organised this. From Monday on, fourteen of us spent no money and "accepted no charity" - which involved not eating any food we had stored before, not taking any free food from anyone and essentially not eating anything that was not bought from our seven pounds for the week. We cooked together and ate together, and while we never ran short of food, we did have an awful lot of chickpeas, beans and lentils, and porridge every morning. The idea behind all this is to raise awareness of poverty in the world; half the world lives on less than a pound.

How successful we are is of course debatable. We are still having fresh, clean water for free. We are also still living in houses and sleep in proper beds, and don't take any of this into account. At the end of the day, I hope we managed to raise awareness even just a bit this week by walking around town in our brown hoodies with our message clearly on the back. We also raised a fair amount of money for charity, I hope - but then how much it'll be in total we'll know in the next few weeks, when people have collected the money from their sponsors. If you want to read a little more about it, we have a webpage up at onepoundaday.com as well.

Once I turn my laptop back on again after a week of having it off, I will try to get some of the pictures from London and the days around it onto my computer, and then to upload some. For the moment, I can't wait to have chips and cheese just after midnight and then go drinking for the one hour that pubs will still be open...

Current Music:Wicked (the musical) - Defying Gravity (although I'm only humming it, using my iPod is another thing I gave up for this week...)

Virginia

2007-01-28T03:29:00.000Z

Things are falling apart, things are falling into place. Next year I will be at the University of Virginia in the USA for a year abroad. I don't know any details right now, those will come once I have confirmed my place - but I shall post more about the exchange once I know it and I will be a little less tired.

On Monday I will be off to Edinburgh for a conference on nuclear weapons and the British Trident system, and then to London to see Cirque du Soleil's Alegria. Quite excited - it will be a good break before the new term will start Monday in a week.

A big hug to everybody reading this - I'll let you know if you appear in my dreams tonight ;) .

Current Music: R.E.M - Man on the Moon

Verbindlichkeit

2007-01-14T11:05:00.000Z

Verbindlichkeit is a mysterious german word. It can mean something so precise in german, yet there is no proper english translation for it. One could say that it is a problem I suffer from.

For me, it is important to have a sense of this Verbindlichkeit with anyone close to me. That involves knowing you can trust one another, but also that you have certain obligations to value that trust. Verbindlichkeit means letting the other person know that there is an understanding of terms, that if both have agreed on something, they can value this agreement - and this agreement can be anything at all. I call it Verbindlichkeit that I would always call my grandma if I have been at her place and come back the 300km, just to let her know that I am safe because I told her I would call.

If I want to find Verbindlichkeit where I expect it and cannot find it, it often upsets me. Maybe that is my problem for seeking it in the first place. But often I feel this world could do with a little more of it between all of us, it would make many things a little easier.

Current Music: Patrice - Soulstorm

Walk the Line for Me

2007-01-06T21:17:00.000Z

It'd be nice to know someone else does.

Judas
by Depeche Mode

Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love

Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up your mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love

Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating Judases
Doubting Thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it

You can fulfill
Your wildest ambitions
And I'm sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love

Back to bonnie Scotland Monday morning.
"And miles to go before I sleep" - Robert Frost

Current Music: Depeche Mode - Judas

Light and Day

2006-12-24T11:32:00.000Z

Merry Christmas, everybody :) . If I don't write to you individually, please don't hold it against me. I hope you all will have a most lovely break.

As for me, I will be trying to have a nice break. It may not be that easy now that there are people running around outside, dropping poison to kill dogs in time for Christmas to make people sad. It has happened the last few years, a dog or two each around the Christmas time. This year, within 24 hours, Toby, my dog, went from being larger-than-life healthy to lifeless, careful as he had always been. He died last night at about 7, three minutes before we managed to get to the hospital to say goodbye. He was wonderful until the end, the way he tried to fight, the way he let us know just how close we are and he is...
This Christmas is his Christmas. May he be well whereever he may travel now, I will be thinking of him.

Happy festive season to all out there, I am giving you a huge huge hug :) .
-Niko

Current Music: The Polyphonic Spree - Light and Day

My Baggage

2006-12-16T09:34:00.000Z

The only baggage that you can bring
Is all that you can't
leave behind

I saw the sunrise over the hills this morning. I gazed at low-hanging clouds on the horizon. I walked on a frozen beach. I cried, I laughed.

I left, in some sense. I'll be gone in a few hours. But I can't help feeling that part of me will be the baggage that I will have to leave behind this time, though I by no means would ever want to.

Current Music: U2 - Walk On

On Frost, Orion and Emotions (the mysterious changing of)

2006-11-19T04:23:00.000Z

This night, the streets of St Andrews are shiny with many small ice crystals. Officially it is still four degrees outside at this moment - yet the ground is covered in a thin layer of slippery ice every now and then. Winter is at our doorstep, sooner than I would have thought.

Today was also one of the first nights that I went out to the sea and did not see Orion. Confused, I looked around at first, maybe he had moved. Eventually I realised that I could not see any stars at all, really. And I realised that it was cloudy at night for the first time in at least a week. Even though it's been raining a fair bit the last week, I have always looked up at a clear sky at night. Which I came to much appreciate in the minutes following.

It is these realisations that can put me into a transcended mood, the floaty one. I had a brilliant day. It had it's other sides - but at the end of the day you're another day older, and it is what you make of how you feel now that will make you feel the next moment.

Current Music: The Triangles - Let's Replace the Cityscapes

Vapid

2006-11-12T12:11:00.000Z

vap‧id /ˈvæpɪd/
–adjective
1. lacking or having lost life, sharpness, or flavor; insipid; flat: vapid tea.
2. without liveliness or spirit; dull or tedious: a vapid party; vapid conversation.

This morning all that I wrote last night seems ridiculous, over-dramatised, poeticised, pointless, in one of my moods. This morning I am in my other mood. This morning all I want is to get away from here. I "cannot be bothered" to do things, and sit in bed not knowing where to go, when there is everything to do. All seems vapid, and I join in.

Or maybe I was right last night in saying that I just need to elevate my lifeline. Just get over myself, and the rest will come naturally.

Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Sex Changes

Lifelines

2006-11-12T01:40:00.000Z

Many thoughts for one evening.

Ich bin ausgekühlt.

No man is an island.

Ich hänge an keiner Heimat.

I am a nomad.

Doch bin ich abhängig.

I hang (myself) on (to) my lifelines (far too often).

I walk through the world with a crayon dragging behind me, leaving my mark. Different places, different people, and I use different colours. My lifeline is continuous.

That does not keep it from looping. Last week it looped back onto itself, maybe. When I treaded the beach this evening, Orion was just where it was a week ago.

I decided to elevate my lifeline - give it a new shape, a different pattern, or a different breadth. Clean slate, different chapter, same line.

When my line seemed to lose itself, I went inside (myself) to trace it. I went outside to follow it. I wanted to see it draw behind me.

The walk took me onto the pier - a dead end. Fortunately there is somebody who can tell me that there is always a second way out of a blocked path - and I continued drawing my line, never twice in the same place. Patterns flickering with every word I spoke, every phrase I heard.

When I had returned, Orion had moved. Yet here I was, my line on the dark pavement behind me, a small loop. I had done it again - but it had moved me, in time by an hour, in space by very little, emotionally the distance - when really I had only walked back and forth, tracing my past line while drawing the future one.

Tomorrow I will draw my line with new enthusiasm. This is my line. I walk the line, I draw the line, I move on. This has long become part of my line - but it may need a dead end and wise words for me to see.

Current Music: Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

Grr!

2006-11-03T15:39:00.000Z

90 minutes, 1000 words. The final countdown. Then London :) .

And across from me a guy who keeps pulling up his snort every two seconds. In between he picks his nose in the exact same spot, with clawlike fingers. Then he removes the bogey, rolls it, throws it behind him, continues typing. Sniffles, bites his nails, picks his nose again. I have seriously never seen anyone picking their nose this openly this often this persistently and especially, right in my face.

If I survive this, I can only hope I won't have someone like that on the night bus...

Grrr, I never would have thought a guy could annoy me so so much! I'm just stressed ;) . Back to Hume and induction ;)

Current Music: The Shins - Australia

EDIT: 18.10, and I have handed in my essay a few minutes late. The other one I handed in this noon. Now I'm off to the capital and for my mini-trip around the UK. Packing in a few minutes. This will be fun ;) . But hey - I've done it!

Essays!

2006-11-02T04:58:00.000Z

I've defeated Hobbes and St Augustine. 2500 words, maybe my best so far, probably the one I have the worst feeling of so far.

Now I am attempting to defeat Plato, or rather his idea of piety in the socratic dialogue "Euthyphro".

And tomorrow I will defeat the problem of induction as it is known to the philosophy of science.

I'll rest my by then surely grilled brain on an overnight bus ride down to the capital as the start of my week-long break Friday night. Staying there for a few days, then off to near Birmingham to see my girlfriend for a few days. And the last night of my break in a mysterious location somewhere in the UK - I've yet to make a choice.

If you're down in London this weekend, let me know if you want to meet up. Similarly, if you're around Birmingham or Warwick, let me know. And if you have an idea where I could spend a Saturday/Sunday within a day's travelling distance from St Andrews, as well ;) .

Otherwise the jester will just come and get you... *jingle*

[If it wasn't for the work, I think I'd be having the time of my life at least half of these days...]

Current Music: The Decemberists - The Crane Wife Pt. III

Nachspiel(zeit)

2006-10-29T16:36:00.000Z

Discovering great online comics at xkcd.com.

Writing an essay on St Augustine and Hobbes, their theories of human nature, and their views on conflict.

Craving for food, and to have a shower.

Yet subconsciously, I think I am waiting for an email. Not from anyone in particular. But just do.

This will have a Nachspiel for me. Good thing I'm running out of Zeit, then.

Current Music: Irene - Stardust

Speak in Riddles, I dare you!

2006-10-26T08:31:00.000+01:00

I do not know whether I like or dislike songs that come to my head randomly throughout the day, that speak true, yet draw a conclusion I do not agree with, that repels me.

I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head

I'm just a sinking stone.

At least I rock then.

Current Music: The Shins - Gone for Good

Bilderbuch

2006-10-23T12:43:00.000+01:00

My year so far, in a few selected pictures :) . Disrupted, out of context. But so have my first five weeks here been :) .

Arriving in Scotland, having a wonderfully indulgent hot chocolate with Ellie in Edinburgh

The first meal in our new flat - simple, yet significant ;)

Sneak peak of my room. Another box behind the door. And I slept in that sleeping bag...

Me and a birthday present - a Haribo tower!!!

One glimpse at Summer-ish St Andrews life, which I will probably have seen the most of until sometime in May...

Defeating the North Sea

Defeating the golf course? Rather not...

Pierwalking it

Hugh Grant defeating the golf ball!

My girlfriend and me at the opening ball ;)

The Opening Ball...

I don't think I ever want to live away from the sea again

And finally... on a day out with the Tree and Frog Society!

Current Music: Ben Folds - There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

On Fathers, Brothers, Sons and Husbands ?!

2006-10-20T10:33:00.000+01:00

Listen, I've come to rock this boat
The take and giving means no room for the living
And some of you think it loves and lovers
Death in one corner, use suspense in the other
I know that when it's over we'll be holding one another
We only ever wanted to feel you
Two years of taction only teaches you to fight
We only ever wanted to try

...

I'm around, I'm around, I'm ok, I'm ok
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm insane, I'm insane
We are, yeah, we are, we are
We are just sinking for something

With our hands, and our fists, muscles, skin, thumb, and bone
We never grew up, we were cut from the stone
That holds your body and soul
We are all just sinking for something

"Mothers, Sisters, Daughters and Wifes" by Voxtrot

Finally a weekend, time to catch up on work, life, and cleaning up my room ;) .

Current Music: Voxtrot - Mothers, Sisters, Daughters and Wifes

Line Rider

2006-10-17T03:59:00.000+01:00

I don't walk the line, I ride it. With my too-small, nearly-flat-tired and reasonably rusty old bike. Takes me from climax to climax faster that way. Unless I lack the energy to go uphill from those valleys that come faster and faster, too.

I'm burning myself out, I need to take more care. In the morning I'll be excited and bouncy for another big day, and in the evening I'll collapse and burn from the inside.

Unless I fall off my bike before then, curl up in the ditch and wake up to see the one I need giving me a hug.

Mmmmm, chocolate bisquits :)

Current Music: The Decemberists - The Island / Come and See / The Landlord's Daughter / You'll not Feel the Drowning

Rot, rot, rot sind alle meine Kleider

2006-10-14T09:19:00.000+01:00

I've been bouncing along. And now I'm in a rush to bounce off again...

Current Music: Kitchen Cowboys - Someone, Someday

I might as well... ;)

2006-09-26T01:21:00.000+01:00

TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR FINGERS: Niko
CHIN: kjmlko
ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED:niko
ELBOW: mnikolk,lo
LIPS: nikjmkokl
PALM: n8iik9o
BACK OF HAND: h i9ko
NOSE: niko

-----------------DESCRIBE--------------- ---

-- YOUR HERITAGE: german
-- THE SHOES YOU WORE TODAY: dark street/hiking boots
-- YOUR EYES: blue-green
-- YOUR WEAKNESS: Invitation/Temptation
-- YOUR FEARS: Regretting, being alone
-- ONE THING YOU'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE: Be independent of anything worldly

-----------------WHAT IS------------------

-- YOUR FIRST THROUGHTS WAKING UP THIS MORNING: "What time is it?"
-- YOUR BEDTIME: Anytime between midnight and three in the morning
-- YOUR GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Partially understanding myself
-- YOUR MOST MISSED MEMORY: The feeling of being far out in a bubble with 200 other lost souls and there being nothing to change that.

-----------------YOU PREFER------------------

-- PEPSI OR COKE: Pepsi
-- MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING: Burger King
-- SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Single
-- ADIDAS OR NIKE: Neither
-- CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Vanilla
-- CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: Cappuccino, or a coffee with lots of milk and sugar

-----------------DO YOU------------------

-- SMOKE: No
-- CUSS: Yes
-- TAKE A SHOWER EVERYDAY: Yes
-- HAVE A CRUSH(ES): Matter of definition
-- WANT TO GET MARRIED: Yes
-- TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: Yepp
-- GET MOTION SICKNESS: No
-- THINK YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE: Nope
-- THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: In some sense, yes
-- GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Yes
-- LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: I love them
-- PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: Used to play the cello

-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------

-- FLOWN ON A PLANE: Yes
-- MISSED SCHOOL BECAUSE IT WAS RAINING?: Nearly, a few classmates did.
-- TOLD A GUY/GIRL THAT YOU LIKED THEM?: Yes
-- CRIED DURING A MOVIE?: Yes
-- EVER THOUGHT AN ANIME CHARACTER WAS HOT?: No
-- HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND: Probably so, I talk to inanimate objects
-- BEEN ON STAGE?: Yepp, a few times
-- CUT YOUR HAIR: Unfortunately ;)
-- HAD CRUSH ON A TEACHER?: Hmmm, not really, or maybe?
-- GOTTEN BEATEN UP?: Yes
-- BEEN IN A FIGHT: Yes
-- SHOPLIFTED: No

-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------

-- NUMBER OF ( REAL LIFE! ) BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS ( NOT INTERWEB!! ) YOU'VE HAD: 1
-- NUMBER OF PEOPLE I COULD TRUST WITH MY LIFE: (Excluding relatives) Maybe a handful
-- NUMBER OF PIERCINGS: 0
-- NUMBER OF TATTOOS: 0
-- NUMBER OF TIMES MY NAME HAS APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPER?: Hmmm, a few times
-- NUMBER OF SCARS ON MY BODY: Three or four, I sometimes give them names
-- NUMBER OF THINGS IN MY PAST THAT I REGRET: Fortunately not too many, but some big ones.

----------------FAVORITES--------------- ---

-- SHAMPOO: Lush Daddyo
-- FAV COLOR: Yellow for mood, Red for symbolism
-- DAY/NIGHT: Night
-- SUMMER/WINTER: Winter
-- FAVE CARTOON CHARACTER: Goofy
-- FAVE FOOD: Pasta in all varieties
-- FAVE MOVIES: Love Me If You Dare, Once Upon a Time in the West
-- FAVE SPORT: Kayaking
-- FAVE SONG: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel

----------------RIGHT NOW------------------

-- WEARING: Black trousers, green fleece jacket
-- DRINKING: Water
-- THINKING ABOUT: Sleeping, dreaming
-- LISTENING TO: A random playlist

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------

-- CRIED: Yes
-- WORN JEANS: No
-- MET SOMEONE NEW ONLINE: No
-- DONE LAUNDRY: No, but should have...
-- DROVE A CAR: No
-- TALKED ON THE PHONE: Yes

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------

-- YOURSELF: Every now and then
-- YOUR FRIENDS: Oh yes :)
-- SANTA CLAUSE: Nope
-- TOOTH FAIRY: In a way
-- DESTINY/FATE: Yes, certainly
-- ANGELS: Yes
-- GHOSTS: Not really
-- UFO'S: Possibly
-- GOD: Force, rather

--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

-- DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD ANOTHER NAME?: No
-- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND?: No
-- DO YOU LIKE ( IN THE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED WAY! ) ANYONE?: Yes and no?!
-- WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ACTS THE MOST LIKE YOU?: I hope none have fallen that low ;)
-- WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS?: People I have little contact to now, unfortunately
-- ARE YOU CLOSE TO ANY FAMILY MEMBER?: Yes
-- WHO DO YOU HANG AROUND THE MOST?: Sir Koko
-- WHEN DO YOU CRY THE MOST: When I don't know what to say or I cannot say it the way I want it to say. The same goes for thinking.
-- WHAT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: Touch
-- WORST FEELING?: Uncertainty
--WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?: Too late to do my laundry ;)

______________________________________________________________

+CURRENT+

CURRENT MOOD: Apathetic
CURRENT MUSIC: Calm
CURRENT TASTE: Sweet, sweeet, sweet
CURRENT HAIR: Too short for my liking
CURRENT ANNOYANCE: Inability to tire myself
CURRENT SMELL: Noodles
CURRENT THING I OUGHT TO BE DOING: Unpacking, finishing my noodles, doing my laundry, sleeping
CURRENT WINDOWS OPEN: Thunderbird, Firefox, Windows Messenger, WinAmp, Skype, a folder with pictures, a half-written email
CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE: A picture from last term here
CURRENT BOOK: Nabokov's Lolita (again)

+DO YOU EVER+

HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK?: No
REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE?: Yes
STILL LOVE HIM/HER: In the way we all leave a piece of our heart with our first love
READ THE NEWSPAPER?: Online, yes
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER?: Yepp
CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS?: Yes
CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE?: Never
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL?: Depends on the drink
HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY?: Several
DONE WELL IN SCHOOL?: Yes
WEAR HATS?: Oh yes
SHUN FRIENDS?: Not intentionally
WISH ON STARS?: Yes
LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: On some occasions
CARE ABOUT LOOKS?: Non-physical looks, as in expressions and emotions expressed in gesture and appearance

+ARE YOU A+

WUSS: No
DRUGGY: Nope
DAYDREAMER: Yes, yes
FREAK: People say so, I believe them ;)
DORK: Possibly
BRAT: No?!
SARCASTIC: Never!
SHY: Very much so, too often
TALKATIVE: Generally yes
ADVENTUROUS: Yes
JOKER: Possibly?

+LAST+ ME:

LAST BOOK YOU READ: Shaun Tan - The Red Tree
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW: Trouble in Paradise III / episodes of "Green Wing"
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Water
LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: This morning
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: String Quartet Tribute - Boys Don't Cry

---
Thank you for this, oaco ;) .

Current Music: String Quartet Tribute - Boys Don't Cry

On Mornings

2006-09-25T11:43:00.000+01:00

"I don't do mornings" - If only it was all as easy as that. Maybe if we redefine morning to be a state of mind rahter than a time, it would be easier. I tend to wake up reasonably early these days, and it'll take me a while to adjust to reality and stop the images from passing by my mental eye. I am not dreaming, far from it, I am thinking then.

Then on the other hands, mornings have the magical ability to create opportunities. As I am waking up, I am making plans for the day. I listen to nice music, I watch great short clips, I talk to my flatmates. If only "morning" wouldn't start with waking up, but with the first euphoric thought of the day ;) .

Here are two videos that a flatmate of mine created himself - they are not only entertaining, but if you consider that they were done on practically no budget, and as a pastime, they are just incredible. My only claim to fame is that I gave them a hairdryer to heat the plasticine before modelling - but I doubt that I'll get around taking a larger part in Trouble in Paradise IV ;) . I hope you'll enjoy watching them, and if you do, please pass the Youtube link on :) .

Trouble In Paradise II: Sex and the Seaside
[shown at a St Andrews Film Festival last semester, 08:49]

Trouble In Paradise III: Paradise Disassembled
[film noir in claymation, 21:57]

Current Music: The Gathering - Even the Spirits are Afraid

2006-09-23T02:36:00.000+01:00

As I brushed my teeth a minute ago, a small puddle of blood accumulated in the sink. Maybe that is part of another step as well, a small one to bring me the distance it takes to get me back on track?!

Current Music: The Waifs - London Still

On Small Steps and Big Steps

2006-09-23T02:12:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I officially matriculated for another year. One more year in Golftown.

Yesterday I also cried silent tears after coming back to my room. The ones that you don't know are coming, when all seems okay, and you don't even pull a single muscle in your face; don't move a bit.

My life seems to be a progression of small and big steps. Those two were small steps onwards, but they may have taken me far. The fact that I am writing about yesterday, today, is yet another small step.

When one does small steps that take one far, one learns that the significance of a step is not its stride - but how far they hurl you along in it. It is the bigger steps these days that seem to make me stumble along, and the small ones that move me.

Yet where I am going, I do not dare to imagine.

Current Music: The Flaming Lips - Bohemian Rhapsody

While randomly browsing the net this morning...

2006-09-18T09:35:00.000+01:00

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
-Author Unknown

Ouch!

Current Music: The Birthday Massacre - Video Kid

PS: But then - The message misleading. / We're lying, we're cheating. / We're only repeating. / The motions preceding.

2006-09-17T11:50:00.000+01:00

"Teardrop" by Massive Attack

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little

Thus I cry, I scream, I burn, burn, burn. I stumble head over heels into tomorrow for lack of choice. But fearless I am not at all.

Current Music: Massive Attack - Teardrop

I Lost You, But I Found Country Music

2006-09-14T21:13:00.000+01:00

If my life is a soundtrack, the next change of playlist is two planes, a train and a bus, a few hours, away. Let's hope I'll recognise the melodies ;) .

May 2005 may be too early to sing an ode to it, and really a place doesn't have a taste of music, but is it not ironic that the last big change of playlist brought me to a song that I'm now using to desribe it?

i lost you, but i found country music

i lost you, but i found country music
i found country music to hold me and soothe me
the way you used to do

and i miss you, but luckily there's music
luckily there's music
to get me through

and i think of you everyday of my life
and everyday i miss you and wonder and guess
what you are listening to
and everyday i miss you and wonder and guess
what you are listening to
what you are listening to
what you are listening to

Current Music: Ball Boy - I Lost You But I Found Country Music

But I Am No Horsemen!

2006-09-13T17:54:00.000+01:00

36 Hours, less even, until I'll be on my way back to that loved/hated place up in Scotland. I don't know how many times over the past few days I have read the same cheerful "So much looking forward to going back" on messageboards and elsewhere, and every time there is a negative reply, the response is - "well, you made your choice on UCAS, did you not?".

Maybe just that is my problem. It isn't the university, but the people who don't see my problem. Because their ignorance is the problem, not their ignorance of my problem, but their ignorance of any problem, their absence of concern for anything but themselves. My inability to deal with it is my problem. "I'm no horsemen! And you are no angel..."

I'm leaving a job done badly. My summer holiday was good. Some parts were outstanding. Yet I've failed to leave my break with the happy and warm feeling of going back and being ready for St Andrews again, as everybody else seems to have. If things momentarily seem to be falling apart at home, who'd like to go back to where some things are destined to fail. I could take it as a challenge, and I should. But that requires for the situation to challenge me.

The only reason I make a problem out of it right now is my own inability to kick myself off the ground and get things ready. I waste my days complaining about myself. The minutes I spend writing this post I could have done so many more useful things. The situation I am in doesn't challenge me - because it isn't a situation. Getting out of it all would take nothing but a few concentrated hours. Which I ridiculously cannot force myself to spare at the moment.

I have so many hopes for going back, some of which seem to be the only reasons I am not completely despondent about having to go there again. It is my own fear of not being able to deal with the disappointment some of those hopes are bound to bring along that makes me want to stay. Gives me new hope I'll manage to finish things off here.

That way, I'll never move one step ahead. How fortunate for me that time doesn't wait for me, forces me to face each new sitation. I think otherwise I'd dig myself a little well, sit in it, and talk to the walls, hoping someone would steal the little ladder so I wouldn't have to climb back out just then. I tend to console myself about anything uncomfortable by telling myself that at least it will be over at some point - maybe if I think about the happy things the same way, I'll understand why I'm so terribly glad I'm going back to where I don't want to be in less than 36 hours.

Current Music: Sunset Rubdown - The Men Are Called Horsemen There

Season Finale?

2006-09-11T09:16:00.000+01:00

Maybe I wish I was only a TV Show character, pulling himself together for the season finale. Back to the fairways and greens of golftown on Friday. While I don't long to be back, I can't wait.

This was at a birthday party this weekend. I was completely sober at the time. It was fun while it lasted, so to speak ;) .

"And these tiresome paper dreams / Paper dreams, honey"

Current Music: The Kooks - She Moves in Her Own Ways

My little island in the sun

2006-08-22T13:24:00.000+01:00

Gosh, I'm an emotional wimp ;) ! How good that there is music, poetry and food and drink. My weekend was fantastic, yesterday evening was an amazing evening, and yet today I'm listening to the good ol' Cranberries again... ah well.

The next few days I will be gone to an island in the north, where my grandma lives. I'll stay with her for a few days. I should be back by Friday at the very latest, will maybe have internet somewhere along the way. I'll make sure to write some things to post on here later, and to finally upload some more pictures that I have kept myself from uploading to my computer in the first place for a while now...

I'll send you many greetings from the beach once I'm there ;) !

Current Music: The Cranberries - When You're Gone

2006-08-18T09:10:00.000+01:00

a still moon is rising above the dunes

a still moon
  is rising
    above the dunes
      I feel
        so empty
      inside
    there is
  much space
for this sight.

- Dondaldas Kajokas

This is a poem I came across yesterday, by a Lithuanian Poet. I was cleaning up my room, which involved re-shelving many books - and among them a collection of poems by Lithunanian poets, which I picked up at Göteborg Book Fair 2004.

I will write more meaningful entries soon. (Leaving "more meaningful" deliberately ambiguous, LPC-Linking style... ;) )

Current Music: The Poastal Service - Such Great Heights

The Seven Days of Yesterday

2006-08-10T23:35:00.000+01:00

The past week, ending a few days ago, that is, was a week full of yesterdays. I lived every single day to the fullest and all of them were incredible in their own ways - yet, it seemed as if time went much too quickly during those seven days. They were all their own history before they had finished, but that in very positive ways.

On Tuesday I went to Hamburg with Val and his brother. A day of walking around the city. About 2 1/2 hours on comfortable fast trains that day. But I have already talked about Tuesday.

Wednesday and Thursday saw a mini-trip to Luxembourg to meet up with Ellie and Meredith there for about, hmm, 26 or 27 hours? 13 hours on trains those days. People kept giving me strange looks while I was on the train, and I never figured out why. Maybe it was the expression on my face - I was tired from the day before, yet wild with anticipation of arriving in Luxembourg. The time I spent there was marvellous and could be explained using many big words. Mostly, it was very random, and more words would not do it justice. I arrived back home just after eleven in the evening.

Friday and Saturday was a small, hmm, "social experiment" of our Hannover post-UWC group and a bottle of Absinth. Again, two very intense days. We did not actually manage to fulfill the tasks that we had set ourselves, and the bottle was done before the first day was even over (admittedly, we did start early). On Saturday Val joined us for a bit of sightseeing. The "A-Days" being concluded, Val and me walked around a little more and stayed up talking for a long time - with his very early train the next morning being maybe the best reason to eventually go to bed.

Sunday, after bringing Val to the train station, I got ready to drive down south with my mum to visit relatives for two days. The first time I drove on the highway for more than just a few kilometres. A lot of talking, exchanging stories, family news etc. All very interesting again, but tiring - by now it had been nearly a week filled with travelling or excitement of other kinds. When we got back Monday evening, I was glad to have a week of calm evenings ahead of me ;) .

Now it is Thursday, and I am about to repeat what I have just come back from. Tomorrow I will meet a friend from Scotland. Then I will go north to a UWC meeting, stay for the weekend. Probably I will go up north again on Monday to visit my grandmother. It looks like I have no lack of excitement to complain about :) .

Current Music: The Pipettes - Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me

Travelling and Oberservation

2006-08-01T23:04:00.000+01:00

I realised how much I miss travelling today, the first time I was on the rail again since a while ago. I left early in the morning to get to Hamburg on a fast and comfortable train. There I met with Val from Bulgaria and his brother, and spent a lovely day with them. I'll leave out the details now but talk about the way back - going back, again on a fast and comfortable train, it was raining. I sat with my back in the direction we were driving. As Hamburg faded away in the distance and small rain pellets raced alongside the window next to me leaving long glassy streaks, the climatised carriage actually got cold enough to give me in my rain-soaked t-shirt a slight chill. I cuddled myself inside my red fleece jacket, against the seat, listening to The Shins and with moody grey all around me trying to close my eyes. When I openend them again I saw the rainclouds clearly - there weren't many, and they weren't too large. Hovering not too far above the ground. Then kilometres of blue sky - and some more, happy fluffy white clouds. The play they provided when my changing perspective made them move against one another was just another small anecdote on this trip.

When I had arrived back here, and missed my tram by a few strides in my run, I prepared for the seven minutes wait and couldn't help but notice the couple, maybe a few years younger than me both of them, holding one another tight some few metres away. She was holding a beautiful white rose with a very long stem, dangling loosely from her fingers. Soon the tram came and it was time for them to part - I'd be surprised if those weren't tears I saw glinting in their eyes and on their cheeks. As we started moving again, I sat a few metres away to the side across from the girl, who was the one of them to get on the tram. Some small kids across from her were trading Pokemon Playing Cards. All the while she kept staring at the same spot somewhere in mid air, maybe a metre and a half towards the bottom left. But her facial expressions changed every moment. From a grin to a wicked smile, then a small laugh, then a worried look maybe, or anger. Her eyes did not move a bit. The rose was hanging upside down from her folded hands in her lap, petals bare centimetres from the dirty tram floor. When I got off a few stops later, she was still the same. Maybe she missed her stop, maybe she was not at all conscious of where she was and where she was going. She was somewhere else, reliving moments as projections on that imaginary wall of memory she built a metre and a half in front of her to the bottom left, to keep the world at bay.

I will be gone the next few days, a day-night-day in Luxembourg to meet Ellie and Meredith, then a social experiment involving large amounts of Absinth in Hannover :) . But for now I can't wait to be on a train again and to travel and observe. This earth is so much nicer when people hide less. Not because they give you anything or you take anything from them, but because we all empathise and are reminded - and because I relived memories of feeling just like that girl this evening.

Current Music: Nouvelle Vague - Don't Go

Time Lapse

2006-07-30T20:25:00.000+01:00

I meant to write about something entirely different, yet that'll have to wait one more post. I just came across a poem that was introduced to me as being marvellous. I didn't think too much of it as I started reading it - but somewhere along the way it grabbed my attention.

The Quiet World
by Jeffrey McDaniel

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it in to my ear
Without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond,
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

Current Music: Mew - Snow Brigade

Awww...

2006-07-13T15:55:00.000+01:00

(when a picture says more than a thousand words)

Current Music: Sleepytime Gorilla Museum - Sleep is Wrong

EDIT: Hmm, well, I just realised that really that is quite a few words, and very little picture... but you know what I mean ;) .

Mushroom

2006-07-11T11:02:00.000+01:00

A mutant one. That is what the shadow of my head reminded me today, when the sun stood low. It must be the bunch of hair curling forwards again from behind my cheeks.

And so that this post isn't completley devoid of content - visit leekspin.com. It made me smile, I hope it'll make you smile, too ;) .

Current Music: Beirut - Postcards from Italy

The Only Exam I've Ever Failed...

2006-07-11T08:00:00.000+01:00

... I have apparently been set up to fail. It happened a few weeks ago. I had dreaded the exam for nearly two years then, but knew that the sooner it would come the sooner I would know how I would do in it. I failed it. It is the first exam I have ever failed, properly failed. And that made my week. But let me explain ;) .

The exam was the medical check-up to see whether I was fit for the army in Germany. The system here works in stages. First, you are invited to the medical test. There they examine you head-to-toe, including an examination of testicles (any medic who can explain to me why the german army is interested in my family jewels??), before subjecting you to an ability test to see which part of the army you would be suitable for. The next stage would be to see whether you want to join the army, or do civil service. Alternatively, one can do a volunteer option, as long as it is recognised (which aren't that many). And after that you're in the system. You can make an appeal to a decision made by them at any stage during this process. Many people make the formal request to be freed from military service, and do civil service instead. I would have done that, too. Now the problem is that you can make the request as early as the medical check-up, and indeed, they ask you whether you want to do so several times. But you can also do it later. And currently, much more people are needed for civil service than for the army. It is therefore easier to be considered "fit" if they know you don't want to join the army later, anyways.

I kept my options open, and said I'd be interested in joining the army. They examined me, the doctor kept telling me I had to take more care of my health, and that my back and my knee looked horrible. Whether I had any pain, he asked, and when I replied I didn't, he was astounded and said "well, with that back you should do"... I had to go to another doctor the next morning, who only confirmed what I had hoped - I was unfit for the army, I failed the medical test, I will never hear from them again, and I will be able to do a volunteer option without leaving Germany illegally and committing treason :) .

Today I found out I've been more or less set up to fail. My own doctor examined my back and knee today, and didn't find anything severe. They are both damaged, but not nearly as badly as they made it look. Wondered whether it would be appropiate to drop off a good bottle of wine with a note attached "thank you - my doctor told me today you made me a present" at the army office for the doctor there, hmm... ;)

On another note: I passed an exam, too. The first part of my driving lesson, the dry theory, is done and over with, as of yesterday afternoon. Now for the practical sometime next week, hopefully, and then maybe there'll be a wild niko out on the roads of Europe...

Current Music: Mew - The Zookeeper's Boy

The Day I Came from Angola

2006-06-27T14:57:00.000+01:00

Football madness has taken over Hannover. Four games have happened here so far, with one more coming up tonight.

It started with Italy - Ghana. I was not very aware that the game was happening here at all until I saw it on TV. It must have been because I hardly left the house.

The second game was Mexico - Angola. This time I saw the whole madness. In town, three days before the game, I came across a group of 20 Mexicans in full costumes, with violins, having a music battle with a group of Angolans, also in full costumes, with trumpets. And of course many, many supporters behind every side dancing along. And when they were done they danced past one another in two rows and shook hands.
On the actual day of the game I walked through town. I bough a small Angolan flag. I took the free offer from one of our main malls and had my face painted with the Angolan Flag. Many people made comments, I took my picture with some, and some random Mexican TV station interviewed me, half in english, half in spanish. I was with the 5 000 Angolans, as opposed to the 40 000 Mexicans in town that night... :D

Then came Costa Rica - Poland. And with it one ticket that I had bought over the internet from the official page. You had to keep refreshing one page every second until you found a ticket and then be quick enough with word verifications etc, but I managed. Rudy and Manuel came by for the evening. I gave my ticket to Rudy, hoping I'd be able to find another one later. Which proved slightly more difficult, but more on that later. Manuel and me went to see Ecuador - Germany in the Fan Fest, via "public viewing" and saw many many germans be very randomly happy ;) . Rudy enjoyed the game, but had a seat in the polish sector. In fact, nearly all sectors were polish sectors, considering how many were there. When he jumped up and celebrated Costa Rica going in lead 1-0, a polish guy behind him kindly tapped him on the shoulder and gestured him to calm down again ;) .

Then came the last one of the group games in Hannover - Switzerland against South Korea. And for the first time there was actually a lot at stake for both teams, they both wanted to qualify for the next round. I was in town before the game again. The problem this time was that both teams had red as their team colour - so the whole town centre was a big red blob. Most were Swiss, dressed up in interesting ways. I liked the ones with udders on their heads, or with red caveman costumes. And of course the hats with 15 Swiss flags sticking out. But what intrigued me was what football games must be like in South Korea if their fans come to games abroad dressed like this... hmm...

Now tonight Spain is playing France in the knockout round, with everything at stake - and I shall be in the stadium :) . I did manage to get another ticket over ebay, with some luck and a bit extra to pay, and just came back from having it transferred to my name etc. I'll sit block W11, on the top. That is on the opposite side, just next to the left curve, in case they happen to show that area on TV tonight ;) . I am quite excited, but my main problem is that I still don't know whom to cheer for. I (dis)like both teams the same, really. Ah, I'll find something. Pictures and exciting news, should anything exciting happen, will come here afterwards :) .

Ole, ole, allez, allez?

Current Music: Xiu Xiu - Save Me

The Photograph

2006-06-16T11:12:00.000+01:00

To flesh out the previous post a little, a poem I wrote maybe 2-3 years ago now...

The Photograph

Recalling memories,
forming hopes,
A glimpse of the past
to cover the present.
Timeless witness,
quiet victim
of the battle for illusions.
Depicting the obvious
excluding its value.
And making reality
the present enemy.

Current Music: Voxtrot - Raised by Wolves

PS: With this poem, the "her" in "Anna Begins" refers to the past. Sometimes it would be lovely if you could just catch the past in a butterfly net and pin it down in an album - even if it loses all its value in the process. More on photographs later :) .

Bird Songs ?

2006-06-16T01:12:00.000+01:00

no head, no heart, no hurry, no hate, no fun, no muss, no city, no state,
no card, no kid, no call, no kiss, no book, no bread, no hit, no miss,
no tears, no laugh, no love, no sin, no hand to put my handshake in
no header, no footer, no girl, no boy, no good, no better, no touch, no toy

there is only air
where i used to care
- "Air" by The Owls

But its not all that easy so maybe I should just
Snap her up in a butterfly net-
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
Ive done this sort of thing before
- "Anna Begins" by The Counting Crows

Current Music: The Raconteurs - Steady As She Goes

Call me...

2006-06-13T01:42:00.000+01:00

... Rüdiger.

Current Music: The Alarmists - Some Things Never Stop

Are Mercy's Eyes Really Blue?

2006-06-06T00:56:00.000+01:00

I know I should go to bed when I try to clean up my desk, find Christmas cards from St Andys that I took home in winter, and find myself analysing the handwritings to try and remember where else I had seen them. Funnily enough, most people there, if not personally, I communicate with electronically - sad as it is.

I'm trying hard not to pretend
Allow myself no mock defense
Step into the night

Tomorrow will be busy. I will try to get a proper job for the break, arrange for driving lessons, maybe sort out whether I will see any of the World Cup games in a stadium, and arrange for myself to be put through the medical check for the army/civil service. If they want me, I'll have to keep deferring until I am done with university. If they don't want me, I may actually be able to volunteer somewhere in the near future. We will see tomorrow or the day after.
Is it not funny how the statement "Tomorrow answers today's questions" can as such never be true, because neither today nor tomorrow are defined concepts - but just that also makes it universally true...

Or maybe I just really should go to bed. :)

Current Music: The Shins - Saint Simon

Because it is the World Cup soon...

2006-06-03T20:53:00.000+01:00

Current Music: Asobi Seksu - I'm Happy But You Don't Like Me

Don't You / Go Thinking / Such a Thing / Such a Thing

2006-06-02T23:04:00.000+01:00

Pre-script: This post is more a mental rambling to myself. I'll keep it here because I think some of us feel the same sometimes, and I know that personally I find it interesting to read when other people write about it. There's no deeper meaning to it, though ;) .

Oh no. I am in this mood. I am listening to the Field Mice, after an intensely long session of a computer game online while soft Underworld Techno freed my mind, and I long for someone to share this moment with me. It is nice and quiet here, apart from that very soft, slightly romantic, very intense and slightly melancholic music. Kind of dark in my room, the only light is my desk lamp. But with this music, I long for the security that I never had in St Andrews and which I missed so much. To have a few moments alone with one other person, somewhere where you feel comfortable/"home", and then to have a nice atmosphere and feel as if you can give yourself to that person in that moment, as if you could entrust that person with the responsibility to watch over your life, so you could take it off your own shoulders for a minute. In fact, if you died just then, it wouldn't matter, for nothing does in that moment, except the moment itself. A little Murakami-esque, as in "South of the Border, West of the Sun", when dying with someone you can devote yourself to is considered to be the highest pleasure by one of the characters. It is not easy to find the people who touch a life this strongly, but we all have them. Maybe, on a much more physical level, I just long to touch somebody for a bit. As ridiculous as it sounds, touching somebody is a sign of closeness to them, even if it is just a hand on a shoulder. I long to put my arms around somebody, no matter the age or gender, but to know that that person appreciates it and the person holding him/her.

In St Andys, I was sometimes alone in the room, but only very rarely alone and knowing that nobody could come in - and never knowing that nobody might want to come in. Then there were very few people whom I would trust that much. And even then, I never had the chance to make it a moment.

Right now there is a moment. The people whom I would want to share it with cannot be here. So instead I share it with - my blog. Joy.

I better be off to sleep now, before I'll waste another night to waste another day catching up on sleep. Sunday I'll be gone for the day. Next weekend I will be in Berlin, hopefully. If anybody is coming by Hannover this summer, do let me know. If anyone is in Germany, for that matter, let me know - after my travels this year this country seems hardly as big as it used to... ;) .

Current Music: The Field Mice - Willow

My Town is My Castle

2006-05-30T13:13:00.000+01:00

"Must be the reason why I'm King of my castle" - Warmdue Project

Current Music: Tegan and Sara - Walking With a Ghost

On Anger, Flekkeland, and Leaving Everything I Have Here Behind Me

2006-05-23T10:03:00.000+01:00

Anger
My evenings seem to get increasingly tense. Unless I have a happy experience in the evenings, I get more and more desperate about things. Two nights ago I walked with friends to a place, and when we walked back, I excused myself saying I had to go for my night walk (which I have started doing regularly, the walk at night), and ran off. I don't know what they thought as I just put on my headphones from one minute to the other and sprinted off, throwing my arms around the air to the tunes of Another Radio Song by Okkervil River.

I have no reason to be angry. If at all, I have reason to be a little despondent. Maybe a little unhappy, or at least unsatisfied with the way things are going. But there is certainly nothing here that justifies me having so much anger inside of me. When I walked to ethics on Saturday a friend had to calm me down on the way. She managed, fortunately. It continued all day, and came out in the evening again.

When it comes out, I give short answers to people. I get bored of their conversations, and leave the room if I don't find a way to join in. I listen to my music more than usual, sometimes even when walking with people. I move a lot, jump a lot, run, seem to have a lot of energy. I can become very cynical. I try not to let it show too much - yet that is excactly what I am after by behaving this way. If I was genuinely angry I would react in a way that would show I am angry - and not in a way that makes me seem strange or weird. What I really want is for someone to come up to me and ask me what is wrong. Then to not accept my usual "Nono, everything is fine. Today's just not my day" and to step a little out of their way for me, as I would say I've done many times for them. Then for me to be able to break down on them, tell them everything, to feel as if they care, too. There are very few people here whom I would trust like that in the first place, and then they would usually stop at stage two, or I would not keep to my part. Yet I am so contradicting. It is exactly towards these people that I show this weird attitude - of course they'd be a little freaked out and would be rather hesitant.

My anger must come from somewhere inside me, and be directed at something inside me. Which is a little frustrating, because it seems so hard to do anything about it. The first step is to think differently, judge situations differently. But it is just that which I am not sure of how to do right now. Being away will help.

Flekkeland
There is not that much that I can say about it, and not so much I want to say about it, either. Being back was nice, but strange. I never truly arrived, just as I had never truly left. I recognised so many things as if I was still there, yet I never truly felt present in Flekke. My first gaze when going into Kantina would still always be on my mailbox. Sweden House smelled just the way it always has. The small hill up to the library felt as it always has. Yet I was always dependent on other people. I was not legitimately there, I was a visitor. Which is fair enough, but it feels weird visiting a place that you called home for two years. While I could always visit, I could never invite.

I did what I had wanted to do. Managed to see that College Video seems beyond hope. [rant] I don't know what will still happen, I am deeply disappointed at what has been happening so far. Pirate copies will have to be the norm, I don't know if the college will ever manage to simply copy the master copies that are there. Apparently they had been lost, apparently the copying machine works. The miscommunication is appaling. I found several master copies there, and that the machine did not work at least with everything I tried. It sounds a little helpless, but yes, we will have to wait and see whether they will get everything back on track. [/rant] Jumped into the fjord. Went kayaking. Had cheese with jam. There was never enough time.

When I left, it felt very strange again. I am glad I went back. I did not think leaving Flekke again would have such an impact on me. It was short-lived. I travelled back to St Andys for the next 42.5 hours, including a night in Bergen and a night on a bus.

By the time I was in Rysjedalsvika my worries of coming back were enough to overshadow any worry I may have had about leaving Flekke. Fortunately the gratefulness of having been back was also enough to overshadow those worries - at least until Haugesund Airport the next morning.

Leaving Everything I Have Here Behind Me
Literally and physically, in less than a week. I don't feel ready yet. The thought of it gives me that stomach ache again. I know I have to go away - in fact, that reminds me of the last lines of Cat Stevens' "Father and Son", which I sang along to nearly every morning when I last very much wanted to leave a place - that was Hannover a few months before I was due off to Norway.

Now I want to leave here so that it gives me time to think about people, and maybe some people time to think about me. Think about what this one year has brought. I cannot say that it has been a very good year. Maybe I'll say that when I am back in Hannover and have thought about this year more. The good moments seem overshadowes by the not so good ones, and apart from those few special moments I have been the happiest when I was away for a bit.

I do not want to leave just yet, if it wasn't for this one thing. There are more things to do here. Realising that some of these people I will not see in four months is quite intense and does make me a little sad - or desperate in some cases. If I manage to sort everything out, my last few days might be beautiful. I dreamt about it last night, how it would be if it didn't go beautiful. I still have the stomach ache. I am weak at the moment, and I do not like being weak.

For 1 1/2 semesters I have managed to build up a few things. Now they all seem to fall apart, I doubt that I have done anything productive in the last two months. I lack the energy to keep up what I was so active in. Negative feedback. Ah, I remember my Biology teacher back in Flekke first year, explaining Negative Feedback by asking for what it was and hammering the first person to answer into the ground :) .

In fact, I am scared of leaving. Scared of running out of time. What I have to do I could do now. But it is morning, and I have an exam in 4 hours. I could do it this evening. If that fails, I have only one other evening left. I must not allow myself to fail. Make it my last challenge for this place. Make it my last goal. Waste myself on this last task, if it means not wasting myself on hours of regret over the summer.

Otherwise, my job here is done. There are very few things that would pull me back. The hope for a good year next year is one, and that somebody I know might come up. And that some people here I would never be able to forget, no matter what the story is.

Current Music: Guns 'N' Roses - Knockin' On Heaven's Door (live)

2006-05-21T07:50:00.000+01:00

I don't know whether to think it a good or a not-quite-so-good thing when I am starting to lose sleep over the people I care about...

(At least I get to be up early and be productive. And say 'Good Morning' to Sir Koko who actually stayed beside me all of last night, one of the few nights I have not subconsciously kicked him out/thrown him out/pushed him out of my bed. Niko is going to bed with a cuddly toy - who would ever have thunk it.)

"And we'll all float on, Ok?"

Current Music: Modest Mouse - Float On

Oioioi

2006-05-17T10:50:00.000+01:00

Don't know if this is a big thing in Germany already, but it has missed me up until now. But oh yeah! This made my day!

And then came revenge from their girls and oh-what-a-man!

Current Music: Devics - Lie to Me

But it took so long to bake it!

2006-05-17T03:44:00.000+01:00

Back from Norway. One exam down, four to go. It didn't go so badly. And the others I am less worried about. I just realised that I have 248 custom emoticons on my MSN. And that I pronounce Salmon and Bomb very wrongly in english.

This song I don't like incredibly much. But I listen to it over and over again, and some lines have stuck in my head, come to me at the most random moments. It is quite beautiful, though.

Before the First Kiss
by The Field Mice

You were low, we were so far from home
Didn't think you'd want to be alone
You were low.
We were so far from home.

D'you wanna talk?
Do you want to.
D'you wanna talk?
Do you want to.

After tears and before the first kiss
I sat looking into your eyes.
After tears,
And before the kiss,
All there'll be is this
This is all there'll be
All there'll be is this
This is all there'll be

I'm going to have to put up with it,
Settle for what is a lot less than perfect
Stay with
Someone
I do
Not love,
Whom I cannot leave--
That I cannot do.
I am unable to.
I am unable to.

We arrived as friends and became
"More than" in less than two days
We arrived
As friends and became.
Twice in a row,
Whilst flying home.
We listened to
"From Silver Lake"

On arriving back home it was
Back home it was rainy and dark.
On arriving
Back home it was.

The small hours saw
Us agree to stop.
The small hours saw
Us agree to stop.

I'm going to have to put up with it,
Settle for what is a lot less than perfect,
Stay with
Someone
I do
Not love,
Whom I cannot leave--
That I cannot do.
I am unable to.
I am unable to.

Today I wished I could be really angry at someone or something in particular. It ended up being myself. That passed after five minutes. Then I thought how much I long to be with people who know me again. Or rather, people who know me and just then are not the cause for my anger. But that also passed. Now I just wish my next exam was sooner so I could have an excuse not to do other things. But that will pass tomorrow - when I will have an exam again soon ;) .

Hihi

Current Music: The Field Mice - Before the First Kiss

PS: The title of this post shall be explained soon...
PS2: That picture must be at least 3 years old.
PS3: If anyone has or can find Jackson Browne - From Silver Lake, do let me know :)
And lastly: You can find the song I posted about at the Hype Machine

Flekkeland

2006-05-08T05:49:00.000+01:00

Ready or not, here it comes...

Six days away from here. Four days there. May it be.

Current Music: Murderer By Death - Brother

On Regret, Dreams and what an Overdue IR Essay Has to Do with My Green Coat

2006-05-06T10:40:00.000+01:00

Regret
To regret is the emotion that I am the most scared of. If I think about the day when I would look back and realise how much I could potentially regret, I get very scared. That is why I sat down before I left Norway to think about what I would regret if I left that day - and tried to make sure I'd have few regrets by the time I left. Of course that did not work out entirely, but I did manage not to regret too much.

It is harder when you don't have that time to look ahead, as in most situations in life. Rather, it seems to you like you are doing the right thing. Then, a while later, maybe a week later or maybe more, you start to regret. And even though you know that it was the right thing to do, you regret bitterly. To the extent that when you think about it, it gives you a physical stomach ache, and when you continue thinking about it, you give yourself a punch because you don't know what to do.

About two weeks ago it must have been now, that two things happened within about five days. The first was maybe wrong. Nothing very bad, but out of place. It should not have happened. But it did, I take partial responsibility for it. Everything seems to have led to it. Looking back at it, it was stupid, but I do not regret it. Later, I said what I had wanted to say for a while, hoping that it would make things easier. It was the opposite. It was the right thing to do. It tore apart my cover, and I hoped that would make things clearer. I made the first step, we talked, and that was what we needed the most then. At the same time, I so much regret doing it, this way. Since then, there have been more regrets, smaller ones. Every time that it seems to fall apart a little more I regret what happened then, and yet I know it was probably the best thing to do.

Dreams
Since then, I have had abstract dreams. The other morning I woke up and twisted in my bed because I was convinced that there was a cardboard message scratching me. It had appeared from under my blanket and brought me terrible news, reminded me of my regret. I felt devastated. I tried to sleep. The next time I woke up the same thing happened. In total maybe three, four times.

There was never anything scratching me. I was awake as can be. But something somewhere inside of me did not want to accept that I start the day without thinking it all through again. This morning when I woke up, my very first thought went to that regret, I do not know why. It still makes my stomach churn.

Sometimes I dream of what would have happened if there was not that one thing to regret. Whether I would regret more now because worse things would have happened (probably). Or whether things would have gone the way I had hoped they would, at a more natural pace. Things are falling apart right now at an unnatural pace. If things were coming together at a steady pace before, it seems like they have fallen apart as if there had never been anything.

There used to be moments when there seemed to be magic. When we could tell anything. When there was something beyond that bond us as we stood there across from one another, something that seemed to tell tales without a word. Now I can only dream of ever being allowed to stand that close to her again.

What an overdue IR essay has to do with my green coat
Essays have become a big worry for me. I seem to be unable to finish them in time. The weekend I tried not to regret, with that essay being due on Tuesday at 17.00. 2000 words, about a topic that I know nothing of, and well researched. Sunday-Monday night was party, Monday morning we traditionally ran into the sea to "may dip". Monday I spent doing nothing. And Monday night it hit me. I started acting ridiculously and freaked out. I hadn't slept the night before. I escaped, making things fall apart a substantial bit more, and locked myself up in the library until Wednesday 17.00, when I handed in a badly written, but well researched essay a day late.

All the while what kept me sane was my green coat. One pocket filled with a water bottle, and a special mix of Irn Bru and Red Bull. The other one with all kinds of food that would get me through those two days. And it reminded me that I had done these things before; that it was possible.

When I came back to the world on Wednesday, things had fallen apart and I realised how much I regretted. Today is Saturday. Two more nights here before I leave. I do not know if it will hurt to be away. The thought of it hurts. I do not know if I am hopeless for wasting my thoughts on something that could be resolved so easily, maybe. I want to wake up and not think about it right away. And yet I am more scared than ever that when I come back it will all be beyond repair.

Today is Saturday. The sun is shining, it is unbearably warm. I should go out and buy scottish things to take to Norway. And let go, let go, let go.

But then I know I will. It is only the mornings. And late evenings. Today I will BBQ! Pack, maybe. Sort things out so that I won't forget anything. Clean up my desk? Do my washing! Hug Shaun. Make sure I return library books. Try and buy a belt. Make phone calls. Remove the instant noodles from the cup on my desk. Have at least one vitamin pill. Hopefully write a poem. Go to the Bay Ball (free entertainment by artsy people on the beach). Listen to this song a few more times (it will be Germany's entry for the Eurovision Song Contest this year, too). Make sure my planner is up to date. And then, sit in my bed and read a book, and listen to music.

And finally ... a picture :) .

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

Current Music: Texas Lightning - Never Ever

PS: On a more cheerful note: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

PS2: If you have skype accounts, do let me know, then we can skype! You can find me there by searching for my full name, it has my home address on the profile.

Og vi skal synge gamle sanger om igjen

2006-05-04T18:00:00.000+01:00

For some reason I decided to listen to Rage again today. They were a band I discovered in a second hand CD store many years ago, with a friend whom I have unfortunately lost sight of now... Years later, I bought another CD by then, and then another.
This was one of my absolute favourites back then. And it still is. Singing the same old songs over again...

From the Cradle to the Grave
by Rage

There is a window out of pain
But the grief will come again
Swallow all the light and steal the sleep tonight
I'll never see the day to take it all away

There was a time to play my cards
Drown my anchor in the hearts
Find the tracks to love and get the tricks to shove
I never found a way to make it here to stay

My world is dark and out of touch
I'm left alone a bit too much
What you see is what you get
But when you can't there's nothing left
I'll miss it from the cradle to the grave

My world is full of mortal scenes
That blind my eyes and steal my dreams
What you feel is what you get
But when you can't there's nothing left
I'll miss it from the cradle to the grave

My world is dark and out of touch
I'm left alone a bit too much
What you see is what you get
But when you can't there's nothing left
My world is full of mortal scenes
That blind my eyes and steal my dreams
I can't see or feel it yet
And as I can't there's nothing left
I'll miss it from the cradle to the grave
I'll miss it from the cradle to the grave
I'll miss you from the cradle to the grave

Not feeling as bad as it seems from the song. The music is more like the bassline in a good rock song - it complements my mood perfectly, yet plays subtly in the background, and when I feel drained of it all, it is there to keep my emotional beat up.

A longer post on regret, dreams and what an overdue IR essay has to do with my green coat to come soon :) .

Current Music: Rage - From the Cradle to the Grave

This morning

2006-04-30T13:57:00.000+01:00

[10:21:08] the molpster: my problem is that i don't know how to react.
i don't know if there is any hope. yet i don't want to be
the one making the situation uncomfortable. there is so
much to risk if everything breaks apart. few things are
this valuable to me here...
[10:22:24] The Groovesm: Yes, but you can't sit down and watch things
pass by, for fear of ruining them.
[10:22:55] The Groovesm: Everything in life is about iniative: why?
Only so that when things go to living hell, at least you
can say: i willed it so.
[10:23:02] The Groovesm: If not, then life will will you.
[10:23:09] The Groovesm: And that is the worst feeling.

Thank you for all your comments :)
I still don't know quite what to think. But I have some idea what to make of it now ;) .

Current Music: Phish - Secret Smile

The little escapist...

2006-04-29T14:30:00.000+01:00

... will soon do it again.

I will arrive at Oslo Torp at 14:55 on Monday, 8th May. In Flekke hopefully a day later.

I want to get away from here, too. Sometimes I don't care what I leave behind, what I let drop, and into how many pieces it might break. After all, it is only another four weeks.

Alternatively, I get upset because I have only four weeks to make sense of what this year has brought to me - and the one thing that I see positive seems to be falling apart

Alternatively, all that which I wouldn't mind breaking, I do mind breaking terribly much - after all, it is what keeps me here, and keeps me sane.

Alternatively, I feel so sick in my stomach that I cannot eat. Yesterday and today, and I doubt that it is only physical. But why do I mess with my own mind like that?

Alternatively, I can not concentrate on anything and start crying again. At least now I can do it. And fortunately there was somebody with me last night. This morning was not beautiful, either, but better.

Alternatively, I feel a sharp jab in my chest when I think too much, about people. It is good to forget about feeling sick. But usually leads to the not concentrating, too.

Alternatively, I listen to my ipod. The same songs over and over again. And then, with certain lines, all those feelings fade and I feel slightly elevated, hovering above the ground. But detached. It cannot last long, though. If I remember my essay, I feel sick, then I start thinking, then the jab, etc. Or I start thinking, feel the jab and so on.

But when I feel elevated, I smell the sea. And I remember the fjord. And I remember the difference between an escapist and an escapologist. An escapologist is one who is good at escaping, literally. That is what I do every time I leave St Andrews. An escapist is one who escapes into a dream- or fantasy world. That is what I do every time I leave the ground.

On Monday the 8th I'll do both.

Current Music: Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights

Time

2006-04-28T02:21:00.000+01:00

Beijing is seven hours ahead.
Boston is five hours behind.

Norway is about forty-eight weeks ago.
Is Norway about a week ahead?

Sleep will be about five hours long.
Sleep must be long enough.

Class tomorrow will seem much longer than 60 minutes.
In fact, tomorrow is already today.

The end of my first year is only four weeks away.
I wish I had more time.

The place I want to be right now is only seven minutes away.
Yet I know I wouldn't get there in time, this time.

Why is it that I can fly across timezones in hardly the time they take off my watch, when a moment does not age a bit in nearly a year, the short distance to my bed takes me hours, the time before going to bed expands magically, the time to make decisions never seems to come, and the most easily measured times are the ones that conceal the most?

Current Music: Thee More Shallows - 2am

Kept us awake with wolves teeth

2006-04-21T04:43:00.000+01:00

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
- Hearbeats, by The Knife (or in the new version by José Gonzalez)

With a weekend with little work ahead of me, I'll hopefully manage to get the China pictures up...

Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Jeep Song

Unplugged

2006-04-20T04:02:00.000+01:00

Let my fall, let my fall on you
Tame my feet, I'll rope my knees 'round you
It ain't my fault, no, it ain't my fault, oh no
You broke the whole, you broke the whole, oh you

I'm in another realm at the moment. During the mornings I think academics. In the afternoons I think escape, and in the night i surrender.

Yet it is only at night when I come up with these dark ideas. During the day everything is so different, and I laugh at my own bad jokes. Or maybe I should change my evening routine and escape after I surrender - I appear to be moderately more successful at escaping.

I finished a fiction book this afternoon, managed to escape for the time it took me to read it. And though I would love to continue the one I put down to read the other one right now, I lack the energy. Hmm, I have the munchies. Maryland chocolate cookies before going to bed. I know what I'll dream of tonight...

Current Music: The Hidden Cameras - Builds the Bone

EDIT: And indeed I did dream. Of what I had predicted I'll dream. St Andrews reality mixed with some of my hopes (negated), disappointment and my fears (all in relation to the same person), mixed with the island at Haugland. Missing breakfast was well worth this.

I am the Molpster

2006-04-18T02:46:00.000+01:00

Today I realised a few things that have been bugging me for weeks now, what it was/is that I can't quite come to rest. It occured to me as I was walking back from my morning lecture and as I realised what was left to do in the day.

I like days when I am very busy. Because then I can find an excuse to not to the work and do something more "worthwhile". I like the days when I can tire myself out completely for something that I believe is a "good cause". I like the feeling of having suffered for something that is worthwhile. In a way, one of my subconscious goals of life seems to be being able to sacrifice myself.

When people appreciate that sacrifice, it gives me some kind of gratification. When they don't, I get angry at them - ridulously so, but I do. And that may have a huge impact on my mood.

In the end, I curl up again in my own little world and look for the next chance to make something worthwhile. I get very much hung up on being given the opportunity to sacrifice myself. I am not even afraid of dying if it serves a purpose. Maybe I should care a little more.

The other thing I realised is that I usually feel one of two things here - either happy, usually without explanation, and very happy. The bouncy cheerful happy with candy in my pockets. Or I am apathetic or depressed, and tell myself that I don't give a damn about anything. I can still be happy then, and I usually am - it just doesn't feel as genuine. It is the latter more often these days, which annoys me. What annoys me more is that the only way for me to overcome that is by in some way trying to be superior to what annoys me here - and I don't like having to feel superior to cope with a situation. Also, I have realised that I keep memories in my mind like pictures in an album. All filed away neatly, but every picture says so incredibly much by itself. This way I carry the pictures of the people dear to me around with me all the time.

If I die clutching your photograph
Don't call me boring - it's just 'cause I like you
- The Start of Something, by Voxtrot

"But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be), by The Proclaimers

Some people have told me these things before. I have heard them now.

----

Yet, I am not in a bad mood right now. I just don't feel very much, but as far as it goes, I guess one could say I am happy. I am feeling good. If only I could start caring about how I could get out the apathy, though. Soon, I hope.

And to give an example of one of those moments of pure joy and bliss (while the above was probably more an example of that apathy) : Farming on an organic, self-sustained farm for a few hours on the weekend, with many chickens running around.

Current Music: Megaherz - 5. März

Me back

2006-04-12T16:51:00.000+01:00

I have returned safely from the country of spicy food, uncritical thinking, big statues and "long history". Oh, and of art exhibitions. But more about all that in the coming days when I will post a more detailed account.
For now: It was brilliant. Very intense, quite exhausting, but well worth every minute of it. It was great to see Oscar and Ellie again. And then to travel around by myself. This has actually been the first time that I have travelled from A-B-C and on without knowing people in any of the places, alone, and without speaking the language.
Here is one picture of me up on Hua Shan, one of the five sacred Taoist mountains. The climb up to there in the night and then watching the sunrise was the most intense experience I have made in quite a while, but more on that later as well.

It feels good to be back :) .

Current Music: Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles

Niko Skal Til Kina

2006-03-23T08:33:00.000Z

The next 19 days I will be travelling to and within China, meeting Oscar and Ellie and hopefully not getting lost. I may update here, but certainly once I am back.
23 March 06 - Niko Skal Til Kina and he is very excited :) .

Current Music: Belle and Sebastian - Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying

"Blue skies from pain"

2006-03-20T16:51:00.000Z

Does anyone know what the two mickey-mouse-squeaky-voices say at the beginning of "Wish You Were Here"? I am intrigued...

Current Music: Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb (Pulse Live)

EDIT: To answer my own question - I found it on the internet based on the two things I could understand; "remains" and "which is it". This is the text:

(radio channels being shifted)
[Man:] "...and disciplinary remains mercifully"
[Woman:] "Yes, now would you take this star nonsense?"
[Man:] "No, no."
[Woman:] "Now which is it..."
(channel changes)
"I'm sure of it..."
(channel changes)

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once"

2006-03-19T14:45:00.000Z

The last week has been insane for me, but at the same time very productive. The wind that's been blowing seems to have torn down some things and given room to others. The melting snow took much with it. And the rain washed away what was left. Today is a sunny day, yet all I see over the sea is fat rainy clouds. This time in four days...

On Tuesday I managed to get myself back together eventually, and by the evening I had actually started writing my essay that was due on Monday. I worked through the night, took an early bus to Edinburgh in the morning, and walked to the Chinese Consulate. I managed to get the Visa without problems, and only minutes later I got a call that our application for accomodation for next year has been successful - it is good to know that you have a place to stay in the next year.

I went to a cafe, stole wireless internet, and finished my essay there. Then I met Matt and eventually sent my essay off to a friend, who would print it and hand it in before 17.00 so that it would be only two days late. Walking around Edinburgh while Matt had a lecture, I took a "free psychology test". I knew it was fishy, but keeping that in mind I was in the mood for a little adventure. I was already intrigued by hundreds of copies of the same book around, advertising itself as "having sold more than 20 000 000 copies". Right. The test itself was just lengthy and boring. When I handed it in, however, it was returned to me and the guy, whom I shall call Bob for the sake of clarity from now on (ah, the good old days in leirskule, when everyone was Bob...), asked me to also fill in the personal details.
"Could you also please fill in your name and address here?"
"Well, actually I'd prefer not to"
"Alright, but this really is nothing bad. I have to enter it into the computer to get results. See, I type x here, and x shows up here"
"In that case I'm not sure I want to take the test. And I'm not from here, anyways. I'm german."
"Ok, well, in that case you probably won't receive anything ever anyways"
"Receive anything ... ?"
"Have you had bad experiences with giving out your details in the past?"
"No, but I don't believe in the concept of personal details."
I turn to go out, turn back, and ask Bob "Is this scientology" (in reference to one of the books I had seen on a shelf). Bob smiles like a six-year old boy being caught nicking candy, grins a little, and says "Well, yes". To which I replied "In that case, I hope my answers will satisfy you, but you won't get my name. Thanks, and have a good day" and walked out. I regret not frying him with this a little longer, but it was fun for 30 minutes...

In the evening I met Mette as well. Even though I had to leave early and couldn't stay with her and Matt long, it was a great evening. On the bus back then I fell asleep a few times (not having slept the night before because of the essay) and eventually saw one of the pathetic and disturbing sides of Scotland live. When I had to change buses, there were three other girls waiting. All about 4 years younger than me, all dressed in rather kinky ways. When the bus came they quickly exchanged some coins so that one of them didn't have enough change. The bus driver knew her by name. Being 20 minutes late, he wasn't in the best of moods, which was clearly reflected in him shouting after her that she could have at least said thanks - giving her the cheapest ticket, and then giving it to her for less than a third of its actual price. The girls sat in the back, I sat towards the front, nobody else in the bus. Eventually they got off one by one. What shocked me, though, was how the bus driver knew the girl's name (and that was clearly because she had done this before, not because they knew one another from outside), how he cheated his company for her even though he didn't really want to, and all only to get some recognition from a 15 year-old, kinkily dressed teenage girl. And how these girls abused this to the full extent and got him to drop them off at specific places rather than at regular stops and the like. I eventually fell asleep to wake up with him shouting at me because we had arrived at the final stop - but when I thanked him for the journey and wished him a good evening, he did seem to smile for a moment. I don't know how I could ever live a life like either of the two sides I witnessed that night. When I told my roommate about this later, he only replied "Welcome to Scotland". Scarily enough, what I've seen seems far from being a single incident.

The one other event of sorts worth noticing is that this weekend so far has been insane as well - but in the opposite sense. I am quite happy, I get to be with the people who I want to be with, and of the two nights I didn't sleep one, and a fair bit the other one listening to Mike Oldfield on repeat. But both times it was what I wanted to do in that moment. At least right now, it seems as if things have a direction, which is maybe what I missed the last week.

Current Music: Under Byen - Den her sang handler om at få det bedste ud af det

Breaking down

2006-03-13T14:17:00.000Z

I was overdue anyways. Sentinel by Mike Oldfield (the song that played in the intro for Earth Day GC in Flekke), a picture and a thought coming together did it. I had dreaded this moment ever since I came here, and knew it would happen sooner or later. Let's hope things get better from now on, and the late penalties for IR essays are not too horrendous.

Let it be :)

Current Music: Mike Oldfield - Sentinel

"It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

2006-03-13T04:00:00.000Z

I'm sitting over an essay once again. Although the previous times by this point of the night I usually had some idea what I was going to do. Not so tonight. I realised that I had researched the wrong focus of the question all the while. So now I'm trying to find other sources, with the library being closed, and another 13 hours to write 2000 words in. That actually makes it sound not so bad...

Weird how things have changed, though. At the beginning of the year I posted from here, about 4 metres away. Having finished my essay, reasonably cheerful, promising myself I wouldn't do this again. Here I am four months later, having lost and found myself, drinking Mate to stay awake, smoking to keep my thoughts in order, and listening to my ipod (that miraculously revived on Tuesday night after I hit it three times out of despair) to keep my emotions settled.

In general, since Wednesday morning things have been better. It took two things for me to get myself back together - my ipod coming back to life, and me waking up with a bad hangover and the other consequences of too much vodka. If it wasn't for this essay, this weekend would probably have been very nice indeed. But again, the good thing about essays is that they are worldly - they have an end.

And once this one is out of the way, I'll try to finish sorting out my life, write my ethics essay, and try to finish my philosophy of religion and philosphy of the mind essays, which are due right after the easter break. Which I will be spending in China, if I get my Visa, which I shall hopefully pick up on Wednesday. After that I can safely freak out about not having planned anything yet for this journey.

But then again, the moment is now. I am feeling strangely content considering what awaits me the next few hours. I hope it'll stay this way until I have handed in my essay.

Hugs from snowy Scotland :)

Current Music: Radiohead - Creep

EDIT: Maybe I've discovered the reason for my mood swings. I need somebody sane somewhere close to me. With sane I mean sane as The Ark defines it (It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane). Or maybe I need Mad People around me (thanks for pointing me towards this one, Doro...):
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' " - Jack Kerouac
There are few people like that around, especially here. Maybe another reason why I spend so much time reading blogs and on MSN.

A Tuesday Night

2006-03-07T23:52:00.000Z

It's a tuesday. Where half of St Andrews goes out drinking. I decided to stay in, yet I drank. I don't know how much I have had by now, but it's been a bit. Amazingly how different one can feel after a little bit of drink. I have never been much of a drinker, so this may worry me. I shouldn't drink. I'll think in the morning, after my first meeting at 9,00 am...

I better go to bed now. I'm in no state to think ... Sorry for such a senseless post. I really only meant to post this picture... Niko with a sea horse made from ice at the New Hall Ball on Sunday.

Hugs...

Current Music: Pink Floyd - High Hopes

Every now and then I fall apart

2006-03-06T04:49:00.000Z

I've just come back from a ball in one of the other halls of residence here and its afterparty (or rather, tea to warm up), and I'm not sure whether there is any point in going to bed at all. I have a meeting in a bit more than 4 hours, I have a lot to prepare for classes.
I wish somebody could hug me (but I am in my sleeping bag after all). I wish I could leave this darn place for a little while, hover above it, observe its pathetic happenings from a distance apathetically. I wish I could see tomorrow in a different light from tonight's perspective. I wish I could tell certain people how disappointed I am without disappointing myself. Or maybe I just wish I could forget to care and come back in a few weeks, when I'll know what he's after.
I hope I will slowly get drunk now. I hope I'll manage to work myself senseless this week. I hope I'll be able to tire myself, to sleep. Alternatively, to break down, to cry.
I know I should get over myself. I will try. But I have another few hours, a lot of Finlandia, and Bonnie Tyler before I'll have to try...
Every now and then I fall apart ... Forever is going to start tonight

Current Music: Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse

PS: If this song reminds me of one thing, it is of Flekke. When I listen to it, I think of Flekke. And everything gains meaning only in contrast to Flekke, in contrast to the song.

EDIT: It is now after 9 in the morning. I am still awake, even though I fell asleep for an hour. Still not feeling drunk, damn. Will see whether I'll just continue drinking or what will happen...

2006-03-03T15:18:00.000Z

I usually hibernate my computer. Leaving all my windows open. On average, my computer runs 3 days non-stop that way. So every now and then I close some windows. One that I'll leave open a little longer is the viewer for this image I find funny. A small light streak in St Andrews, that has been covered a few cm in snow in a sudden blizzard this morning.

Current Music: P:ano - When You Garden in Your Garden

St Andys Close up...

2006-03-02T12:40:00.000Z

To reply to the comments earlier...

Maybe St Andys close up can be described like this glass of approximately 16-hour old self-made orange juice.

It is a thick, oozing yellowy liquid, that is still rather fresh. And very healthy.
St Andrews is a rather lively town. Very quirky, in that way. But it never actually moves anywhere. It is so comfortable being in one place, why would there have to be any movement at all? The little movement that may be there comes about from some people trying to tip over the glass every now and then... Oh, and healthy, because we are by the sea. And close to the highlands. And we have good air. Apparently.

It consists of two parts - a hard, thick part blocking off the other part, the liquid, fluid part (which isn't as thick and oozing as what I mentioned above.)
It is this hard part that prevents much movement from happening. Some people are trying to break through, but it just won't work.

You can poke holes in it, and often that will make some liquid flow.
And there will be many small trickles, but nothing to change the state of that glass.

It is only when you shake it, that its contents come splashing down, leaving only remainders of what was once in it on the glass walls.
Hasn't happened here yet in a long time. But the number of people who'd be remainders is scary.

I won't even go into all those nasty bacteria floating around in it, trying to fight one another. Or the way everything is so superficially happy, so naively beautiful. "Awesome, cheers mate, how are you doing?" And in the afternoon we jet to "Europe" [mainland Europe] to show how cultural we are. In german we sometimes say some people have a horizon "from 12 until midday".

Of course this is just a part of this place. But sometimes that is the only part you get to see, and it certainly is the part that tries to attract the most attention to itself.

As for the juice, a bit of shaking, and it went down the drain. As I feel St Andrews does sometimes...

Current Music: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

I've been tagged...

2006-03-01T02:38:00.000Z

So I have been tagged from the other side of the great lake...
I'll attempt to answer these questions, and then I should really tag someone to answer them as well, but I don't think I'm the tagging type ;) . Oh blogging joy!

4 Jobs I've Had
- Apart from participating in psychology experiments nothing paid, really, still looking...

4 Films I Could Watch Again
- Jeux D'Enfants / Love Me If You Dare
- Lilya 4ever (will hopefully watch it again soon)
- 2001: A Space Odyssey
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

4 Places I Lived at
- Hannover, Germany (at 2 different places)
- Flekke, Norway
- St Andrews, Scotland
- Poel, Germany (if spending a few weeks every year there counts)

4 TV Series I Like(d) to Watch
- Babylon 5
- The Simpsons
- Family Guy
- I don't really watch that much TV...

4 Places I Have Been on Vacation to
- Sofia & Varna, Bulgaria
- Prague, Czech Republic
- Copenhagen, Denmark
- Luxembourg

4 Website I visit every day
- Tagesschau.de (excellent german news page)
- A variety of blogs
- The Hype Machine (excellent for finding alternative music and discovering new tunes)
- The Facebook... I have to admit it... ;)

4 Books
- The Unberable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera (everyone should read it at some point...)
- The Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (to this day one of the most refined pieces of writing I've come across)
- The Red Tree - Shaun Tan (a picture book, but my absolute favourite book)
- The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami (a masterpiece in its very own way)

4 Places I'd Like to Be Right Now
- Somewhere outside this town
- Amherst, USA
- In my sleeping bag
- Hannover, Germany

Right. Some of those answers quite surprised me myself... I don't really want to tag anyone, so feel free to answer this, I'd very much appreciate it :D !

Current Music: Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister

Calm Before the Storm

2006-02-26T01:00:00.000Z

These days, St Andrews is a very very windy place. Storms make the temperature in my room drop to freezing and any walk an adventure.
Maybe the storms have managed to turn my head, but something forces me to alienate from this place at this moment. Or maybe I have lost my way a little. Either way, these spring storms show more than just that what seemed so good before was just the calm before the storm.
Or I should sleep before I post in more depth, after 45 sleepless hours.
And I have realised why it is that I like my sleeping bag so much and sleep in it every night, it is because it is small. A sleeping bag can hug you back...

Current Music: And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - Will You Smile Again

This picture is from me writing an IR presentation Thursday night, in my sleeping bag, drinking Mate. The small pleasures in life.

Thinking, Hiking, Poking

2006-02-23T03:03:00.000Z

My day today can really be split up into three events - one involving thinking, one involving hiking, and then one involving poking.

My day started with hearing this before I even left my room: "I was for capital punishment, until I heard how much it costs". I decided to disappear to breakfast and contemplate on which jam to put on my bread rather than to contemplate on ethics.

After my first (and only) lecture of the day, I got ready to go on a hike. One of my neighbours wanted to try out my bagpack and filled it with books, and soon afterwards we set off with another neighbour for a 20km walk. It rained quite a bit on the way and so we didn't manage in time, and I had to turn back early to get to a meeting on time. But it was still incredible. We took Mate along; it can be gorgeous to have some warm drink that strong when you're crossing the shores of eastern Scotland in the rain. The picture shows small St Andrews from a little distance away... Looks so harmless... but then as Bette Milder remarked some time ago, from a distance, the world then also just looks "blue and green"...

And when I got back to my room after the hike and the meeting, I found most of my half of the room covered in post-its (about 50 of them, and an A2 sign), saying mostly just "poke". The A2 sign being on the ceiling, directly above where my head will be once I go to bed... This is an episode of a facebook-poking-war a friend and I had been having, just that it seems to be escalating between her and me slowly (and has already spilled into the non-virtual world in some kind of way...) ;) .

After that there was little excitement, a fairtrade cafe I went to, and drinking lots more Mate. But these three were the events that defined most of my day today in contrast to other days. And maybe that drinking of lots of Mate, which may be a reason for me still having so much energy at this time of night...

Current Music: The Fiery Furnaces - Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)

Another Radio Song

2006-02-20T03:10:00.000Z

I planned to go to bed more than an hour ago. Until I started listening to this song again, and again, and again, and it made sense. Feel free to ignore this post, it is just another one of me trying to find lyrics to say something I'm not sure how to say otherwise.

Bless this tiny alley we have fallen from tall buildings we have fallen through the air
Into a garden sweetly smelling of the softest Sleeping flowers
now they sit under the sidewalk now they’re waiting for the shining of some future sign to show us

It's been a while since many of us left that valley, still hoping to find those sidewalk flowers...

All that is your beauty oh And all that brings you pleasure
I could sigh into your hide and say I hope I’m here forever
But Black Sheep Boy with your lovers
With your list of favourite pillows
with your list of missing children
With the wall where you drew windows

Don't we all draw those windows every day, writing into our blogs, looking at old pictures, hours on msn, reading yearbooks?

Overlooking hidden gardens
Cut apart by jagged mountains
Climbing up into the air and
Crumbling down into a valley
Where the water waits forever like a quiet distant treasure

Maybe I really am too obsessed with the sea.

When you rise up to recover when you leave this tiny alley
When you meet me in the garden with your horns all hung with cedar
Every spirit brushing past me brushing past them in the Ether scream

However you want to describe it...

All this is Window dressing All you are is Flimsy curtains
Watch you flame up with a word from us and won’t know that you’re Burning
Burning

And I pretend and I burn, and maybe hope I had never attempted to rise up to recover from the valley.

Maybe we are all Black Sheep Boys (and girls...)

Current Music: Okkervil River - Another Radio Song

While my roommate gently sleeps...

2006-02-19T12:19:00.000Z

My roommate is still in bed. I got up more than an hour ago, although I went to bed an hour later than him (he went to bed at 01.30). And this evening he will complain how tired he is. But then again, what is there to do but sleep? Getting up earlier just means having to fight boredom for a little longer for some people...

I'm glad I'm busy. This morning I woke up, and although I "only" have two things I have to go to today, I felt as if there is something to look forward to. And I can always keep myself busy with my reading for classes in the meantime.

At a party yesterday we had a Feuerzangenbowle, a very typical german drink that involves burning a huge cone of sugar soaked in rum. I won't say very much about the whole thing, but I'll post a picture of that cone burning after more rum has just been added here for you all to wonder about ;) .

There were many more things I had wanted to mention, but maybe the impending doom of lunchtime ending have made me lost my thoughts... I'll post them as soon as they return to me :) .

Current Music: The Flaming Lips - The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song

Thought for the Day

2006-02-16T12:01:00.000Z

Walking from lecture to lecture, humming songs from the new Dresden Dolls album to myself (I've become rather fond of humming ever since my iPod broke down), I feel ever so strangely detached from this place.

Doodling in my planner shortly afterwards, "This Diary Will Change Your Life", I found a quote to nicely corroborate such thought and thought I would share it with you.

What is life but a breath of fresh air in the rotting heap of leaves in the garden of our evolutionary duties
-Benrik

Slightly nihilistic hugs to all of you out there :)

Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Mandy Goes to Med School

Re-live

2006-02-12T03:21:00.000Z

It's been too long since I've last posted. Many things have happened. I've travelled and met lovely people, which I will write more about at a later point. I've started reading fiction books again. I've listened to more music. I've spent hardly any time in my room after coming back, and it's been very nice. I've been very busy with the One World Society, and in a way still am. It's good to have something to work towards outside school, and if it is only to give my life marginally more meaning than that of the people living around me, who stare into space half the day and count the number of people looking straight ahead on this poster that Kate gave me as a present and which is up on my wall now.

I think being away from here travelling has affected me more than many other things since I've left Norway. And brought me back to it more. When I was walking back to hall today wearing my green coat and listening to November Rain by Guns'n'Roses, I wished for one of two things: Someone to shout at, or someone to hug... Being back in my room a little later, I'm just glad some people have disappeared for a while so that my annoyance over them could hide the other two emotions.

And lastly, in a weird sort of way, I miss German. Really, I miss some kind of atmosphere in which I feel comfortable and in which I can be with people who are somewhat interesting to be with. And outside Flekke, those people would be people I would speak German with. I've listened to a band called Welle Erdball that Sanna introduced me to way back in my first months in Flekke, which does some pretty tough electronic music with German lyrics. Isn't it funny how all these circles always close themselves?

On an ultimate note: I've just remembered what the last thing was that had me laugh out really loud, naturally. It was reading "høhø" in a chat, and especially the usage of the ø in the German word "Kørper". Looking at it still makes me chuckle. Maybe it really is the small things in life...

Current Music: Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man - Mysteries

You can tell I've been listening to too much music...

2006-01-25T02:20:00.000Z

The Soundtrack of my last few days...

"And I just can't help believing / though believing sees me cursed" - Johnny Boy (You Are the Generation that Bought More Shoes and You Get what You Deserve)

"Wir stehen herum / Wir stehen nicht gut da und stehen auf / Stehen auf den Moment in dem der Wind dreht / Und die Zeit wenn er in unsre Rücken bläst / Solang es geht" - Locas in Love (Wartezimmer)

"Hit the redial / Maybe we should sigh a while/ Save our second wind for sentimental warm weather." - Architecture in Helsinki (Wishbone)

"Flower, flower, flower / Power, power, power / I come over / I take over / Kudzu, kudzu, kudzu / Moods, moods, moods" - Deerhoof (Flower)

"Such dir eine windstille Stelle / Stau auf Stau, ein Schritt nach vorn, das wär's schon / Er zögert noch, und dreht sich um, und dreht sich um / Lass doch den Wahnsinn an seinem Platzt" - Kommando Sonne-Mnilch (Traust dich nicht)

"And we'll all float on ok" - Modest Mouse (Float On)

"There is nothing left to fear / Not now that bigfoot is captured" - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (Upon This Tidal Wave)

"This is how we are / We are young and stupid / And raised by wolves" - Voxtrot (Raised by Wolves)

"How strange it is to be anything at all" - Neutral Milk Hotel (In the Aeroplane Over the Sea)

If anyone knows what to make of this, let me know, because I'm not quite sure myself ;) . Each of these quotes represents one major thought-strand of mine of the last few days, arranged in a pseudo-sensical order, the last one being the ever-recurring one - how strange it is to be anything at all, but how beautiful it is, too. I feel strangely happy tonight. And I just spent the last hour trying to sort this out to spread this happiness (although it is debatable of how much use cryptical, out of context quotes are for this...). Gosh, happiness sometimes isn't productive ;) .

Current Music: The Shins - Caring is Creepy

Jeden Abend werfe ich...

2006-01-22T02:06:00.000Z

Jeden Abend werfe ich
by Erich Mühsam

Jeden Abend werfe ich
eine Zukunft hinter mich,
die sich niemals mehr erhebt
denn sie hat im Geist gelebt.
Neue Bilder werden, wachsen;
Welten drehn um neue Achsen,
werden, sterben, lieben, schaffen.
Die Vergangenheiten klaffen.
Tobend, wirbelnd stürzt die Zeit
in die Gruft. Das Leben schreit!

For a while now, this poem (an attempt at an english translation is below) by Erich Mühsam has been a kind of motto to me in so many situations. For the past week I've also had its first four lines as my messenger personal message. Today I got a reply to it in my Inbox - with another beautiful poem by Mühsam, that I had not yet read, "Vision". Everything seemed to fit together, the poems complimented one another - and I was overwhelmed that somebody would actually make this connection. Thank you :) .

I'm done with exams now, back to living the St Andrews life - pubs, books, and an ever-increasing number of golf tourists and simple minded individuals that manage to annoy in the most unsuitable situations. Or, to quote Voxtrot, "What's a book to you in bed, Do you feel better, older?" I'll go to bed now and read nonetheless, and wonder whether the chaps having car races right outside my window right now usually have classes the next morning when they do them at 03.00 on any ordinary weekday.

Current Music: Voxtrot - The Start of Something

Every evening I throw
a future behind myself,
that will never rise again -
it has lived in the mind.
New images are forming, growing;
worlds are turning on new axes,
to become, to die, to love, to create.
The pasts gape apart. --
Raving, twirling time falls
into the crypt.-- The life screams!

2006-01-14T01:34:00.000Z

After that rather negative music I just realised that maybe I should post something positive, too... The spaced out Spiral Golden Town by Deerhoof is here, the dirty Avenue D song is here and the best of all of them, "Wishbone" by Architecture in Helsinki, is here. Enjoy them and think happy thoughts :) .

Current Music: Deerhoof - Spiral Golden Town

PS: The MP3s are linked from musicblogs, mainly, which give you some songs to preview with a mini review and to encourage you to buy the full album. Just to explain where this seemingly obvious piracy comes from ;) .
PS2: It might actually be from the second chorus of Spiral Golden Town that I keep thinking of "no man is an island". Even though she sings in Japanese, it does kind of sound like that... or maybe it is just another sign that I am seriously thinking too much about that line.

Collected Thoughts, Part II

2006-01-14T00:31:00.000Z

No man is an island - It's been said many times, yet it has come back to me over and over again the last few days in the most random situations, and it has greatly influenced the way I think of some things these days. Yet I'm not sure whether I fully agree. Maybe I really am just another Toru Okada.

I just realised that there are more than two people in the band Belle and Sebastian. Maybe I am being naive, but I was surprised to find that neither of the seven (!!) band members is called Belle, or Sebastian. For me the female voice was always Belle, well, and the male voice Sebastian. Hmmm.

I must have spent more than 5 hours browsing through and listening to alternative music the last three days. A very nice time, though. If you have the chance, listen to Deerhoof (especially Spiral Golden Town, and Flower of Panda Panda Panda). They're very very weird, but strangely intrigueing. If you want a good laugh (and are not easily offended), get The Dirty South by Avenue D.

And for some very good, but depressing music, listen to "For Real" by Okkervil River (you can find it here). Or watch the video. It must be one of the freakiest things I've seen in a while, and it so much reminds me of something I've seen before, yet I keep watching it again...

Current Music: Okkervil River - For Real

Collected Thoughts

2006-01-11T17:47:00.000Z

Happy New Year, everyone. Let's hope it's a good one, without any fear, as John Lennon would say.

If you ever are in the Czech Republic, sit in a restaurant, and the waitress asks you something in Czech, don't just nod, you may regret it later.
And don't play scrabble there, either. Unless you know what you're doing ;) .

Meeting three groups of people in three days can be intense as well. Spending the weekend at a scholarship interview with many people being there only because of excellent academic scores (without anything else), but still meeting some interesting people. Then meeting friends from the same interview, but for UWC, three years earlier, on Sunday evening. What a difference between these two worlds, and what a gorgeous evening. And then coming back to St Andrews, and what a difference between that world and the two previous one, and how fluffy and comfy they are compared to here, and how I wish a Christmas Break would be enough time to grow up sometimes.

A poem I discovered the other day, and that I quite like...

In the Desert
by Stephen Crane

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Now I will get back to studying for my International Relations exam that is tomorrow. I don't feel prepared. But when have I ever for an exam. Oh, and I need to include "delightful upholstery" in any one of my exams. Looks like it'll be in philosophy ;) .

And two other bands that I am listening to at the moment: Architecture in Helsinki, and Okkervil River. Maybe I'll write something about their songs another day. One is ironically cheerful, the other one is as graphic as I've seen in a while...

Current Music: Lasgo - Something

Up and About

2005-12-29T07:15:00.000Z

I'm off to Prague now. Have a happy new year, everybody, and don't do anything I wouldn't do ;) .
Current Music: Israel Kamakawiwo Ole' - Somewhere Over The Rainbow

"Been caught in a hail storm"

2005-12-15T04:14:00.000Z

Random evenings are beautiful. This one started with me spontaneously going to a Christmas concert, and only when I was there realising that some people I knew were actually performing. It went on to me randomly being dragged into a Ceilidh, the traditional Scottish dance, and exhausting myself there (the moves are really really simple, but incredibly fast). Eventually my neighbour and me decided to drink some Mate, and we took our chairs out into the corridor, got hot water and put on Argentinian Tango. In the end, we ended up being about eight people, some of which went quite mental and started singing Christmas carols in the lift when new people got in. Still having lots of excess energy, I finally managed to write a christmas card and decided to bring it to my academic mum, who was to leave in the very early hours of morning. So I went for a walk through empty St Andrews. Met a friend along the way, and in fact met my mum minutes after I had thrown the card in her letter box.

All the while I was listening to a playlist consisting of all the songs I have mentioned in this blog so far. Which is some of my favourite music; it is a gorgeous playlist. Apparently some big party ended just at that moment, and all of a sudden drunk people came from everywhere. One guy was dancing in the middle of the street, staggering after me, screaming "I'm clever". Interestingly enough, his movements syncronised perfectly with the song on my headphones at that moment - the finnish version of "Hotel California", performed by Eläkeläiset with a mighty accordion beat.
Then I went back and now I am here at 4 in the morning, feeling not slightly tired.
Many small moments this evening made it a nice evening, or maybe it was just the fact that so many random events fitted together well. Still, I will be more than happy when I am back in Hannover in three days and can leave this place, if just to know that some people will have to realise how dependent they are on the illusion of this place and its reputation.

I shall try to catch some sleep now, because even though I don't have classes tomorrow any more, I will have to get up reasonably early. There is much to finish off, and little to prevent me from doing so ;) .

Current Music: The Fiery Furnaces - Gale Blow

PS: What do you call a Christmassy centipede? A Santapede.
If you've heard centipede jokes from me before, you'll know what I mean ;) ...
PS 2: Deep fried Mars Bars, Crunchies, Snickers are harmless if you've ever come across the beauty of battered and deep fried Pizza. 1/4 Pizza like that with chips for one pound. Great deal, great taste, terrible for your health. But a real experience.

A Friday in December

2005-12-09T16:19:00.000Z

A dead loss, no songs
No fun, just glum
Lying next to someone
So don’t mention the war
Don’t question where we stand
Nor where we fall
North, South, East where’s best?
If I head left
It turns out directionless
So needle point aside
I always find
Embroidery leaves me blind

‘Cos I’m too weary to rest since I noticed
Coming second best is close to ideal

What fools boredom breeds
So much to do
So many goldfish to feed
And paracetamol
I'll take them all
They line my stomach wall

‘Cos I’m too weary to rest since I noticed
Coming second best is close to ideal

With customary thirst
I search a water glass
But gin hits first
Oh don’t believe the hype
Expectancy will always spoil a party
It’s tourniquet by crochet
My waters break
Don’t drive for pity’s sake

‘Cos I’m too weary to rest since I noticed
Coming second best is close to ideal

Current Music: Catatonia - Golfish and Paracetamol

Drawing a pig...

2005-12-03T17:42:00.000Z

Or, if you don't like houses... there is a personality test that lets you draw a pig. Interesting.

Click to view my test results

Current Music: Simon and Garfunkel - Mrs Robinson

Building myself a house

2005-12-03T16:40:00.000Z

What to do on a Saturday Afternoon? How about building a house... Online Tests are fun...

Click here to view my house

And you can also build a house on my street... Another Alley...

Weird, these tests. Some things seem so true, and others so false.
But hey, a gifted artist... why not ;) .

Current Music: Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet

Of Energy-Platypuses and Intergalactic Imperialism

2005-12-02T12:13:00.000Z

Hmm... slept semi-long today. Which means I really need to finish the essay now. I woke up still hugging my platypus, surprisingly, since I usually move a lot in my sleep. There's something about that platypus. I got it at a convention, and it allegedly went through some kind of energy machine, so it is loaded with positive energy. Ah well.

So here is an admittedly way overdramatised picture of slightly sleepy, just showered Niko with platypus. And indeed a lot of excess energy that will soon turn into logical premises, suppressed premises and intermediate conclusions...

Current Music: Metallica - Star Wars Imperial March

2005-12-02T07:07:00.000Z

Another night without sleep. I just came back from writing the essay that is two weeks overdue, and for which I will get 6 marks out of 20 taken off if I hand it in tomorrow. Any later than that and I will get a maximum of 5 out of 20, 5 being the pass grade. I'm not entirely done, but I should be able to finish it in the morning.
This is the latest I have gone to bed here. The last time I was up about as late here, the sun was rising and it felt very much like walking along the fjord in Flekke. This is much more so now that the sun doesn't rise until late anyways. The last time I was up this late in "normal" circumstances must have been the night before the environmental gc, when the sun was actually just rising and it was at the fjord in Flekke.
As I was walking back, listening to "I'm on the Outside" (or is it just "Outside"?) by Staind in a live version, my thoughts wandered back to that peculiar place. How tired I was, how desperate I was to get back to my room, and yet how much I want someone to hug me. Just for a second, to tell me that I am not the only ridiculous person staying up late. But of course there is noone here. Or that I could curl up in my bed and feel cosy. But that is not possible in this room. There is no bed cubicle that I can escape to, no curtains to draw, no mountain of pillows to collapse on. Even though I've set my alarm for late, I am sure I will wake up when my roommate awakes in 90 minutes. And though I would never have minded that in Norway, quite on the contrary, alone the thought of it here makes me want to hug someone even more.
I'll curl myself up now anyways, hugging my miniature teddy-like platypus, and maybe listen to some more Staind while I fall asleep. And imagine I'm behind blue curtains, if only for this night.

Current Music: Staind - I'm on the Outside (live)

Wednesdays is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life

2005-11-23T20:59:00.000Z

So many things I want to say, so little I know how to. Pictures instead...

Me with my academic sister from motherly side, Georgina, after the foam fight yesterday morning. I wore a costume like that as well, but it fell apart during the fight. We were crayons.

Me last summer wearing tights for an art project. I forgot that picture existed and was sent it today... thanks, Svenja :)

It's getting cold. Looking out of the window yesterday morning onto the Old Course.

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

Current Music: The Knife - Heartbeats

"But what if I'm a mermaid"

2005-11-20T13:00:00.000Z

It's been a week since my last post. In the meantime I wrote two long papers and managed to hand both in just on time, the philosophy one literally going into the box at the last second. I asked for an extension for another paper and didn't get it, so I will have to hand it in late with marks being taken off. And the first marching demonstration possibly in the history of the University, that I took part in organising, happened. I was stressed beyond comfortable, yet all the pressure came from myself. And in the end it nearly all worked out (apart from that third essay).

I don't think I have ever written much about the demonstration here. The university invests in a number of companies, many of which are what we consider to be "unethical". The main debate is probably where you draw the line, but there are some not so nice cases, like companies that have been reported by human rights commissions, companies that supported totalitarian regimes etc. We want the university to invest ethically, and have put up some demands and a timeline for that. To make the long story short, after three years of campaigning, this term was to be the one that would show the student support. A petition was signed by more than 1600 students, and those signatures were presented to the principal of the university on Friday. I joined the campaign about a month into this term, and got straight into publicity, being in charge of designing all posters, flyers etc. So it ended up with many, many meetings and a lot to organise for the actual day of the demonstration. There were some smaller things as well, such as theatre skit about a wedding where I was a bidesmaid and wore a fancy dress etc. Eventually, about 200 people showed up, walked down the main street with us (which had been closed off by the police), and joined us for speeches and the presentation of the signatures in our main university building. A huge success and much better than we had expected, but it drained all of my time last week, and most of it beforehand... Yesterday I woke up and for the first time in at least 2 weeks I knew there was nothing urgent to be done that day, no meeting, and it felt very nice, but weird ;) .

And today we are diving into the next event, Raisin Weekend. A traditional huge party here. It starts with a "tea party" with the academic mum in the afternoon on Sunday. Then in the evening you make your way to your dad's party, and eventually back home. In the morning you are dressed up in a costume by your mum, and are given a "raisin receipt" by your dad. That receipt has some latin on it, but most importantly, it is usually something huge, to see the kids suffer carrying it (broken freezers, cupboards and the like are not too uncommon). Freshly equipped, the kids make their way to the main university building, where there is a huge shaving foam fight. And after all that, kids go back to sleep and then to attend the afternoon lectures and tutorials... And lucky me, I have a tutorial in the morning (which I will have to miss) and one in the afternoon... And since they are compulsory, missing them is anything but a good idea...

Now I will have to be off to lunch and get plenty of fatty food (which shouldn't be too hard), and then it's off to my "mum" at 14.00... The weekend is much more notorious in stories than it will actually be, but I still look forward to it in an axious/excited way, not really knowing what will happen. Last year a mother had only one son and many daughters, so she dressed the son as an egg cell and the girls as sperms, and they had to chase the poor guy to the foam fight...

Current Music: Tori Amos - Silent All These Years

Alrighty

2005-11-13T17:40:00.000Z

I shouldn't really have the time to post this. I have an essay due in about 23 hours, a 2000 word essay for Film Studies, analysing a scene from 2001-A Space Oddyssey. And I am only in the middle of my research, no word on paper. Plus there is a meeting later. That I have to go to but will try to escape from. And once that essay is out of the way, I have to start on my philosophy paper, 1500 words, which is due in about 47 hours. And once I get some sleep after all that, I have to start my paper for Friday. And the irony of it all is that I just had a week's break in which I could have done all this. Stupid me ;) . But I do enjoy the pressure. It tells me I'm still alive. And that I might just be doing more than living from day to day, which too many people here do. And right now the despair makes me completely hyper :D .
Oh, and I spent last night at my roommate's place in Dumfermline. Very pretty place, and I did enjoy it. But it did mean that we only came back to St Andrews at 17.00 today...

And I rediscovered the pleasures of Supertramp. Brilliant lyrics, and so true. Especially after coming back to this place from the outside, even if it was only a night... Gosh, I wish I could have some instant popcorn now and go for a walk at the fjord... And know that I'm not the only one leaving things to the very last night...

Maybe I’m mistaken expecting you to fight
Or maybe I’m just crazy, I don’t know wrong from right
But while I am still living, I’ve just got this to say
It’s always up to you if you want to be that
Want to see that
Want to see that way
- you’re coming along!

Right, back to psychedelic Space Oddyssey, the use of sound in the "Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite" sequence, and then some chips (does anyone outside the UK use that name for french fries?) or whatever food I can get my hands on...

Current Music:Supertramp - School

PS: Has anyone else ever tried syncing Pink Floyd's Echoes with the Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite scene of 2001? I read it on the internet, and it works quite well. Or maybe I just love both music and film too much...

"There is no other day / let's try it another way"

2005-11-06T01:34:00.000Z

No London for me. At least not right now. Instead I had a Pizza at a "Chippie" (Fish And Chips Shop, a place that sells all that is fried and unhealthy). And I tried one of the two Scottish Specialities: A deep-fried Mars Bar. Imagine a mars bar being coated in something weird, dough-like, and then fried for a few minutes. You end up with some delicious chocolaty thing that is incredibly fatty and unhealthy. Apparently, the owner of the shop told me, last night one guy ate 8 1/2 of them. He came back this morning, feeling rather sick. So now he is applying to the Guinness Book of World Records. I mean, eating 8 1/2 normal mars bars might seem reasonable, but the same amount fried... I feel sick at the thought of just one fried one after this evening ;) .
The other speciality is some weird meaty thing called Haggis. Or Black Pudding. And I don't intent to try that so very soon. But I shall soon attack the fried snicker bars :D ...
Also, they seem to fry anything you want them to fry. We thought about fried marshmallows and fried grapes, anyone have any other ideas ;) ?
Oh, and I watched my first episode ever of "The Family Guy" this evening. What a hilarious series...

And finally, an example of the simplistic art of student life: A picture of a banana holder including banana, placed before a typical power socket with one white and one black plug. Taken in a flat in Albany Park, a residence where six people each live in a mini-house with a shared kitchen and living room.

I will go to bed now and see what dreams I'll come up with... which reminds me that the only dreams I can really remember since coming here have been of my roommate, twice. I used to dream of him when he was gone Friday nights, and I dreamt of the moment he would come back and the kinds of things he would bring into the room. I don't know yet whether those dreams indicated wishful thinking or fear (especially since I can't remember the objects he was bringing in) ;) . I stopped dreaming of him eventually. And he stopped leaving on Fridays. I had other dreams, nice ones, but as soon as I woke up they were half-gone again already...
Or maybe I should just fall asleep with music again...

Emily tries but misunderstands, ah ooh
She's often inclined to borrow somebody's dreams till tomorrow

Current Music: Pink Floyd - See Emily Play

" Yes, it’s that time of year again"

2005-11-05T14:02:00.000Z

Random thoughts are dangerous. Today I saw that tomorrow is the premiere of the new Harry Potter movie in London. Thousands are expected to be there. And I decided that since I have a week of holiday now, I could just as well go there and see it, I really want to in fact. Not that I'd get into the premiere, of course, but just to stand there, catch a glimpse of the actors and JKR, and to see the whole randomness of it. A bus there and back would be 44 pounds from Edinburgh. And it would go overnight, non-stop. I could leave in 6 hours, arriving in London at 7 tomorrow morning. The premiere is open for gathering at 15.00. And I could catch a late bus back so that I won't have to find a place to stay. Which would make it a very expensive round-trip. Or I could stay, but then I'd have to leave again very soon afterwards to be back here on Tuesday...
The more I think about it, the more I really want to do this. And yet I know that it isn't possible. To get to Edinburgh I would have to take the bus to Leuchars, and then the train. So I would have to leave in 3 hours. And arrange, pack etc everything before then. No way I would manage. And yet I feel so stupid for not thinking about this about 24 hours earlier.

The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
Straight long enough you’ll end up where you were.

So in fact, we're screwed. Once we stop running in circles and run straight ahead, we really just run the bigger circle. Hmpf.

I guess I better stop running in circles now and sort my stuff out. Tonight I'll either be here or on my way to London. I love the randomness of it, and yet my disorganisation apalls me...

Current Music: Modest Mouse - Third Planet

Done!

2005-10-31T22:03:00.000Z

Just to finish off the story, I did eventually hand in my essay at 16:51, when it was due at 17:00. After a series of printing problems and one more intermediate draft. Overall I am happy with the result, although I have a feeling that I don't really manage to bring my arguments across very well... it will be exciting to get the result :) . And it was very nice to walk back early in the morning as well, after a long night of work. By the sea, and seeing Mars bright red in the sky straight ahead of me.
Here is a picture of what my little workspace looked like once I was done, just before packing everything up...
And this post is completely pointless ;) ...

Current Music: Eläkeläiset - Hotelli Helpotus

Woot Woot!

2005-10-31T06:01:00.000Z

I defeated the beast! It is early, and my first all-nighter is coming to an end. Will go and have an hour of sleep now, then revise my essay, go to class, rewrite my essay, another class, revise and reprint my essay. And then wait for my grade...
Interestingly enough, I came across many new theories as I was writing. Some incredibly interesting and just so suitable. I have a feeling that once I am awake again I could learn something from my own essay ;) . If I get marks taken off for bad style and inaccurate information (I really don't know if my RCN Human Rights notes are such a good source, considering how often they were edited, changed, and never checked...), I hope I'll at least get extra points for finding the weirdest theories! Or maybe they are perfectly normal, and I'm just too tired...
Anyways, enough rambling. Back to my beautiful room to have a drink and a few crisps, sleep an hour, wake up happy. With a first draft in my hands! And it is even a bit too long :D!
It still isn't the same though... but I am too tired to be sentimental now. And I am hyper when I am tired anyways ;) .

Current Music: Air - Sex Born Poison

Wish You Were Here

2005-10-30T22:52:00.000Z

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Every minute I spend writing this entry will be one minute less I have to write a 1500 word essay for International Relations, due in a bit more than 17 hours. And I still haven't managed to write a word of it.
And yet my mind is everywhere but the essay. I'll only need 5/20 for the course to pass anyways.
Gosh, I am tired, and it is before midnight and I slept a lot last night. I don't have anything to drink with me here in the computer room. And no candy. It just doesn't feel right. Oh, and so many people, but no fjord. That just about sums it up.
And yet this is the first serious piece of work I have to do. The first of three in this week, the other ones not started yet either, of course.
It is now 23:52, one Sunday evening, and the desperation of writing an essay is all that keeps me sane.

And no one calls us to move on
And no one forces down our eyes
And no one speaks and no one tries
And no one flies around the sun

Cloudless everyday you fall upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Comes streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning

And no one sings me lullabies
And no one makes me close my eyes
And so I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky

Current Music: The Wish You Were Here Album by Pink Floyd over and over again.

Himmelhochjauchzend zu Tode betrübt.

2005-10-29T02:14:00.000+01:00

It's a quarter past 2 in the morning. I had a nice time at a nice party. Being with people I had wanted to see, and ectually having something to celebrate as well (pre-Halloween and the result of the rectorial elections here). And then a phone call, that my roommate is "being sick" all over the room, and that I better come. By the time I arrive, his stuff is already in the laundry, some carpet tiles are drying and he is sleeping, still being sick every now and then. A few vodka shots and a bottle of wine.
I'm up now to make sure that he is alright. When I will have to get up at 08.00 tomorrow to go to a kayaking fair. And when I still haven't really done much for my IR essay, due monday.
In a way I am glad to be gone all of tomorrow. To get away from here, now more than ever.

Current Music: Filter - Take a Picture